Loving Myself, Loving Others

“You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.”

“If you aren't good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you'll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren't even giving to yourself.” ~Barbara De Angelis

“Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features” ~Viktor Frankl

Well, tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and twitter, Facebook, the TV, and stores are abuzz with conversations of love. Some love the day, some hate the day, and some people just don't care. But, if we look past the day, there's still this little thing called love. Whether it's love for ourselves, our pets, job, friends, family, or significant other, we all need and desire love, and we also give love to others.


I often witness others (and have been guilty of this myself) giving so much of themselves (in the name of serving or loving others), that they have nothing left to give to themselves. Does this sound familiar to any of you? 
Here's the truth: There will ALWAYS be people who are in need, people that you can give to. If you don't set a boundary there will never be a point to your giving, because people will always take. Many of us were raised with the message that the most selfless thing we can do is to give unconditionally. I feel like I'm continuously fighting against this idea with my clients. 


Let me explain: I think that we all need to be serving others and giving to others. Being selfish is not healthy. But being a little selfish is. If we don't take care of ourselves, we won't be able to take care of others effectively. Let me say that again: If you don't take care of and love yourself, you will NOT be able to take care of others for very long. Sure, you will be able to for awhile. But fairly quickly, you will burn out. And, if you are at a point of burn out, you will have absolutely nothing to give to others. It's through being a little selfish (actually, healthy!) and loving ourselves FIRST, that we then have something to give to others. It is through loving ourselves that we can really love another person.


To Love ourselves we need to respect ourselves, and have good self-esteem and confidence. We need to be in healthy relationships, accepting love from others. We need to set healthy boundaries, decrease cognitive distortions, and increase overall health and wellness in our lives. This is an active and intentional process. 


So, my question to you is this: What do you love about yourself? How do you love (take care of) yourself? 

Challenging and Changing Cognitive Distortions

Here is my promised post on Challenging and Changing Cognitive Distortions & Irrational Beliefs. You can see my previous posts on Cognitive Distortions here and here.

One question that I get from many of my clients (and I asked myself this question many years ago when I first started addressing my own distortions) is the following: "Ok, so now I know that I'm thinking irrationally, but now what do I do? How do I start to think differently." I'm assuming you've asked this question yourself, which is why you're still reading! Changing thinking definitely takes time, just like learning how to sign your name. Remember those first few times you tried to write your name? It looked awkward, and maybe you missed some letters. But by practicing over and over again, you finally learned to print and then sign your name. It took time, right? If you had given up after a few times of it "not working", would you have ever gotten to the point you're at now? Absolutely not! The same goes with changing your thinking. So be patient!

Ok, so now a few suggestions:

1. Increase your awareness of the times you use various cognitive distortions. If you aren't aware, you can't make any changes.

2. Cut the words "always", "never", "everyone", "no one" out of your vocabulary. Horrible, terrible, intolerable, and similar words can go too. Obviously these words are occasionally more then appropriate. But in general, they are exaggerations and send us into the cognitive distortion snowball.

3. Stop the "yeah-but...". We all do this occasionally. We do well at something, or someone gives us a praise, and we say "yeah, but I just got lucky this time" or "yeah, but most of the time I fail miserably." Watch the yeah buts, because it discounts your accomplishments and the positive in your life.

4. Ask yourself the following questions: (these are from www.shb-sd.com)
  -What's the evidence for and against this thought?
  -What would I tell a friend with the same situation?
  -What's the worst that can realistically happen? How bad would that be?
  -Is it really true that I must, should, or have to...?
  -Am I over-generalizing from a past occurrence?
  -Are there other explanations besides blaming myself?
  -Is there ay conceivable way to look at this positively?
  -Is this situation really in my control?
  -What difference will this make next week, month, or year?
  -Is thinking this way in this situation making it worse or better?
  -What can I accept about this situation?

5. When you identify a cognitive distortion, change it to a rational belief. You will not always believe that the new rational belief is true, but say it anyways. The more you train your brain to think rationally, the easier it will be to get their more naturally!

6. Refute the belief. This sort of goes along with number 5, but tell yourself why the irrational belief isn't true! This is an example conversation you might have with yourself: "I can't stand this person. They are always nagging and being rude and I cannot stand being around them--change to: This person is challenging for me to be around. They sometimes nag and are rude, which can be frustrating. I may not enjoy being around them, but I can tolerate it or I can choose to walk away...".


Remember: PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE. If you don't practice over and over again, the beliefs won't change. Share the list of cognitive distortions with those close to you, and ask them to help you catch when you are using them in your conversation. If you can decrease the amount of cognitive distortions, you will increase overall health and happiness in life! If you have any other tips or steps to changing that you'd like to add, please leave a comment!

Tasty New Recipe (& healthy too)!

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am not a cook. I once went through a loaf and a half of bread before I made a grilled cheese sandwich that wasn't ruined. I would love to be a great cook, but I'm not. When it comes to food, the more straight forward recipes are, the more likely I will to actually make it.
Because I was recently in Ecuador, I have been craving rice and beans quite a bit. Therefore, this "recipe" (I hesitant to even call this a recipe!) met my criteria for cooking.

First I lined up all the ingredients...
1. Sweet Corn
2. 1 can of Black Beans
3. Frozen spinach
4. Jasmine Rice (I used my rice cooker for the first time and it turned out really well) -i used about 4/5 cup of dry rice


After cooking all the ingredients, I threw them in a bowl together, and threw a little red cayenne pepper on top for extra health and flavor...and....Viola:

Ok, so these photos were taken on my phone, and I can guarantee that it tasted better then it looked. But, it was cheap, easy to make, and delicious. The above ingredients made enough for 4 decent sized portions of food, and the flavor got even better after the first meal!

I didn't have much free time tonight, so this is as much as you're going to get tonight. Information on Cognitive Distortions and how to change them will be coming soon!

Identifying Cognitive Distortions, pt 2

In yesterday's post, I began to discuss Cognitive Distortions, and listed the first 5. This post includes the other 5 types of distortions.
Again, this information is from D. Burns, 1980,Feeling Good

6.     JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

a.     Mind Reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don’t bother to check this out.

b.     The Fortune Teller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.

7.     EMOTIONAL REASONING: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: I feel it, therefore it must be true.

8.     SHOULD STATEMENTS: You try to motivate yourself with “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. “Musts” and “oughts” are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

9.     LABELING AND MISLABELING: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: “I’m a loser.” When someone else’s behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him: “he’s a louse”. Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

10.     PERSONALIZATION: You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event which, in fact, you were not primarily responsible for. 

The Next Step:

Ok, so now you have the different cognitive distortions. However, if you read through this list and then go on in life, these irrational beliefs will continue to play out in your life. Why don't you take a little time and come up with examples of how you have engaged in each of these cognitive distortions. Tomorrow's post (hopefully!) will be on steps to change these distortions!

Identifying Cognitive Distortions

Cognitive Distortions are basically irrational beliefs that we create and repeat to ourselves. These distortions decrease mood, and increase stress, anxiety, frustration, and guilt. (Click here for other posts in this series). If we cannot identify and change our distortions, we cannot be healthy individuals, and, at the very least, we will make life much more difficult for ourself.

The following are the first few types of cognitive distortions (from D. Burns, 1980, Feeling Good).

1.     ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING: You see things in black-and-white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

2.     OVERGENERALIZATION: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

3.     MENTAL FILTER: You pick out a single negative detail and drwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.1.      

4.     DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE: You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or other. You maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

 5. MAGNIFICATION (CATASTROPHIZING) OR MINIMIZATION: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow's imperfections). This is also called the "binocular trick." -This is also known as awfulizing


So What Can You Do?
We cannot change our distortions until we identify how and when we think them. Watch yourself the next few days, and try to catch yourself in these irrational beliefs. Once you know how you think, you can begin to change. When you catch yourself saying (or thinking) a distortion, immediately change it. You don't have to believe the new statement, but say it anyways. This practice will start to change your patterns of thought, thus increasing mood and decreasing stress and frustration. 

Is There Hope In Winter?

“Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again.”

-Sarah Ban Breathnach

By this point in the winter, I'm yearning for the days of spring and summer. I'm sick of walking carefully so I don't slip on the eyes, sick of getting up early to clean the ice off my car every morning, and I'm sick of feeling cold to my bones. I enjoy the beauty of freshly fallen snow, but hate the slush that comes after. After the recent Winter Storm of last week (click here to see some pictures from Tuesday), I was ready for a weekend of warmer weather to melt the snow and ice. However, yesterday I woke up to an even bigger snow storm, which didn't let up all day. Needless to say, I was annoyed. 

This morning, as I was complaining to myself about the cold, I paused to think about the changing seasons. Although sometimes the winter seems hopeless and never-ending, the thing that keeps me going is the reminder that Spring WILL come. No matter how Winter is, how cold, how icy, how endless, or despairing it feels, we carry around the knowledge that Spring will come, and with it, cheerful sounds of birds, bright colors of flowers, warm sun, and hope come as well. Isn't this true with life too? 

In life, we hit seasons that are like Winter. This season may be brief, or it may seem to last forever. Sometimes it feels like we cannot survive the season, that there's no way that Spring will come. But just as Spring will always come after Winter, so it is true in our life. When we hit winter, we hold onto the hope and the knowledge that spring will come, and with it joy, happiness, and color will return. So, as much as I hate winter, I'm so thankful that I experience all 4 seasons, as it's a wonderful reminder for my personal life as well. 

And of course, I couldn't end this post without some pictures of the nasty little storm we got yesterday! 

 View while driving to the Movie Theater. Very poor visibility. 

 Look at those huge chunks of snow falling!

 Look how thick the snow is on the top of my car!

 Icicles

 Bird in the tree...

Even if I dislike winter, I still think this is absolutely beautiful... 

REBT & Challenging Your Irrational Beliefs

This is my 2nd post in the series on the Cognitive Therapies (click here to view the previous post). Today is on REBT, or Rational Emotive Behavior Behavior Therapy (this was mentioned briefly at the end of the last post. The basic idea is that we are disturbed not by events themselves, but by how they think and process these events.

There are Three Basic Musts in REBT
1. I MUST do well and win the approval of others or else I am no good
2. Other people MUST do the "right thing" or else they are no good and deserve to be punished.
3. Life MUST be easy, without discomfort or inconvenience
-Go here to see a list of sub-beliefs, and the related emotional and behavioral consequences
When we live life according to these "Musts", we disturb ourselves by being impatient, bitter, angry, frustrated, anxious, depressed, or decreased self-esteem.

Awfulizing: Basically, this is what we do when we create extreme negative thoughts. Examples of this would include "This is terrible", "This is horrible", "I can't stand (survive) this" or similar thoughts. To change this to a more rational thought, change the "extreme" word to something less extreme. Perhaps instead of saying "this is terrible", one might say "This is unfortunate, but I know I can survive it."
Shoulding: I had a professor in college who would always tell us to "Stop Shoulding on Yourself!" Although that phrase has always made me smile, when I think that I should do this or that, the phrase jumps back into my head. Why "should" you do something out of obligation. Won't it be much more enjoyable to do whatever that thing is if you'd "like to do this" instead of "should do this"?

So What Can You Do? Visit the link that I have posted above, and identify the MUSTS in your life. Along with the Musts, identify when you Awfulize Situations or "Should" on yourself. Change this irrational beliefs to something more rational. If you can do this, you will most likely find your mood increasing, stress decreasing, and more enjoyable relationships.

Follow this link to fill out an REBT self help form. This form will walk you step by step through identifying irrational thoughts and changing these to a more rational form of thought. And remember: Give yourself the freedom to not "should" on yourself this week!

Basics of the Cognitive Therapies

This will be the first post in a series based on Cognitive Therapies & dealing with Cognitive Distortions & Negative Self Talk. My goal in this post will be to familiarize you, the reader, with some general ideas behind the cognitive therapies and how each of us can distort reality.

Within The Cognitive Therapies, There Are Several General Attributes:
*Collaborative relationship between client and therapist
*Premise that psychological distress is largely a function of disturbance in cognitive processes 
*Time-limited & educational treatment focusing on specific & structured treatment problems

Why Focus On Cognitions?
* What a person thinks has a great impact on his or her feelings and behaviors
* We must be aware of how we think, feel, and behave before behavior modification can happen.

The Cognitive Triad
A pattern that triggers depression:
1. Clients hold a negative view of themselves & blame their setbacks on personal inadequacies
2. Clients have a tendency to interpret experiences in a negative manner
3. Depressed clients tend to have gloomy visions and projections about the future. They expect difficulties to continue, and they anticipate only failure in the future.

Rationale Emotive Behavior Therapy
*Albert Ellis says "People disturb themselves by the things that happen to them, and by their views, feelings, and actions."
*We have a strong tendency to escalate our desires and preferences into dogmatic "shoulds", "musts", "oughts", demands, and commands
*Internalizing these things can lead to frustration, unhealthy beliefs, depression, or anxiety

Serenity, Courage, & Wisdom...

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

~The Serenity Prayer

Easy enough to say, right? I'm wondering how many of you reading this can really, when it comes down to it, accept things you cannot change? If you remember back a few months, I did a series on boundaries (you can link to all previous posts on boundaries here and here). Remember, having healthy boundaries means that we are responsible only for our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors (and not taking responsibility for those of others). 

Do you have the wisdom to know what you can change? Can you develop the peace of mind to let go of those things you can't?

I tell my clients to develop a phrase to say in situations where boundaries come in to play, so the idea can be reinforced. Additionally, I think it's easier to not butt in to conversations we try to control when we can repeat something else silently in our head over and over. The serenity prayer would work well in these situations.

I think about how much time wasted, energy used, stress, anxiety, depression, and broken relationships result from people not knowing the difference between what they can change and what they cannot change. We can only change ourselves, but we often forget that. I challenge you to think about what you are trying to change that you can't. I challenge you to try to let those things go. If you can't, it will only lead to frustrations. I challenge you to take responsibility for the things that you can change. 

Serenity, Courage, Wisdom... 

When There's a Winter Storm

Although many universities and all schools within an hour of me were cancelled today, the University I work at decided to stay open. Normally it takes me about 25 minutes in the winter to scrape my car and drive to work. Today, I scraped for about 30 minutes, and THEN it took me 30 minutes to drive to work. And it started sleeting, so I ended up leaving at about 2:30 anyways. I tried to remind myself that scrapping my car was a great work out.
Last night I went to the grocery store, and waited in line for an hour to check out. Apparently everyone was preparing at the last minute, but this led to very little food left that didn't need to be refrigerated.
A few helpful hints for staying safe in winter storms:
1. If your power goes off, open kitchen cabinets to help keep pipes warm
2. Have a supply of batteries & candles
3. Always keep a supply of non-refrigerated foods in your house, in case you get snowed in for a few days
4. If officials make an announcement that travel is for emergencies only- YOU ARE NOT THE EXCEPTION and you put the lives of others at risk if you go out. So don't
5. Avoid downed power lines
6. Fill pitchers, bottles, and buckets with fresh water
7. If you drive somewhere, have a shovel, blankets, hat, boots, and gloves in your car

And a few pictures from the beginning of the storm:

 My Car this morning

 This took a long time to scrape off

 Sleet is flying through the screens on my window and landing next to the glass

 At least I have lactose free hot chocolate to drink!

 Not a single banana left at the grocery store

Hardly any bread either...

Ok. I don't own this picture, but I found it today and thought it was too funny to pass up sharing!

Does anyone else have pictures or storm stories to share? 

6 states, 2 countries, 1 month

In the month of January, I have been in 2 countries and 6 states. I love traveling, experiencing new things, and getting to see people:) However, I'm also a little tired; tired of waiting in lines, boarding planes, losing luggage, and breathing stale air in the plane. It's sort of a love hate relationship, really, but it allows me to do many fun and wonderful things!

So, this weekend I was in Florida. I went through security, and got pulled to go through the Xray machine. Nothing popped up on the xray, but apparently that wasn't good enough for them. So I got pulled into the 2nd screening area, and got the "pat down". I put that in quotes because it was more like a groping/rubbing session, and one which I turn someone in if it happened out in the real worried. It was humiliating, violating, and VERY inappropriate. Plus I had to pull down the top of my pants and lift up my shirt. I'm not really sure why that was necessary seeing as nothing popped up on the x-ray machine (and, fyi, I'm not a terrorist!). I'm all for safety, but what I experienced really crossed the line. I was furious. But mostly, I kept wondering how those people who have been sexually abused might feel. I kept wondering how many people have been triggered by this experience...I certainly don't know this answer, but it made my heart hurt for those people.

Anyways, then my flight was delayed, causing me to almost miss my next flight (i sprinted through the airport and got there as they were closing the door!). Because I've had bronchitis, I had a lot of sinus pressure. I was expecting some pain, as I've flown many times with a sinus infection before, but this past weekend I experienced the most excruciating pain in my forehead, and almost passed out from the pain. It was horrible.

Sounds like complaining. But here's what I'm thankful for:

1. I have the ability to travel

2. I get to see people I love and care about

3. I get to learn about and experience new cultures

4. I get to people watch & have time to read fun magazines!

And here's some great airport pictures from my month (and some pictures from my travels):

 Waiting areas...

Rows of luggage from stranded travelers. 

Telling Our Secrets

"That may be your secret, but that doesn't make it true."

~Wicked

I've seen the musical Wicked twice, and I'm convinced I could go every weekend and not get sick of it! I absolutely love it, and think it shares so many great truths about human nature and mental health. The above quote was stated by Glinda (the "good"witch) to Elphaba (the "wicked witch of the west"-not wicked by the way!). 

The idea of telling our secrets, being truly authentic and real with people close to us, is an interesting concept. I love this quote by Frederick Buechner. “…they tell what is perhaps the central paradox of our condition-that what we hunger for perhaps more then anything else is to be known in our full humanness, and yet that is often just what we also fear more than anything else. It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are-even if we tell it only to ourselves-because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly are and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable then the real thing” (from his book Telling Secrets, p. 2-3).

 

When we keep our secrets to ourself, we run the risk of believing things about ourself that just aren't true, leading to depression, anxiety, or stress. We certainly can't live a flourishing and honest life if we believe things that aren't true, or if we only see an edited version of ourselves.

I talk to others all the time, and I definitely share some things about my life. However, I have a list of things which I have shared with no one. I hold these things tightly, not wanting anyone to know the real me. By opening myself up to that level, I open myself up to being hurt, to disappointment, to betrayal. The thought of telling someone these things absolutely terrifies me. At the same time, clutching these secrets so tightly can be exhausting and overwhelming. There are times when I desperately want to be seen for who I truly am, to be able to relinquish the tight reigns I hold on my life and present myself as exactly who I am. These two opposites fight constantly within me, although usually, to be on the safe side, I allow my secrets to stay locked deep within me.

 

But I know this isn't healthy. And I certainly don't go around "word vomiting" on those around me, because that can be overwhelming to them, and it certainly isn't appropriate sharing. But I found people I can trust, and so I share my secrets. It's in sharing these secrets that I've seen deep love and acceptance, encouragement, and the fact that I'm not so different from everyone else around me. When we share our secrets, we find that humans are generally the same, experience the same things, and struggle with the same emotions. We realize how we've distorted things in our life, and punish ourselves for secrets that aren't even true. It's through sharing our secrets that we find truth and health. 

So here's my challenge to you: Find a safe person and share some secrets. Be honest with yourself, determining if those secrets are true or not. How have you edited yourself?

My little Lifesaver...

You may think that I'm a nerd after this post. Since I was in elementary school, I've gotten sinus infections most of the winter. This progressively got worse until my junior year of college, when I had a sinus infection for 7.5 of the 9 months of the year, even being put on steroids. I went to the ENT (ear, nose, throat) doctor after my junior year, and he said he had one last thing to try, and then we'd have to resort to surgery. I definitely didn't want surgery, so I was willing to try anything! At that point, the doctor pulled out a little bottle that looked like this:

Ok, so it looks like I'm advertising for them. But seriously, this little guy has saved me hours and hours of sick time, going to the doctor, and tons of medications. I know I have bronchitis right now, but this is the first time I've been sick on meds for some sort of cold for 4 years! And obviously this is a huge change from the years I spent getting sick. So basically, this rinse clears out allergens (yes-this is PERFECT for allergy season) from the sinuses, and helps decrease swelling and pressure. So, instead of taking medicine for sinus headaches or migraines, this usually does the trick.

So, my suggestion: RUN OUT AND BUY ONE FOR YOURSELF AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! Here's a link to the website that will give you more information. This little rinse will help you have a healthier winter and allergy season!

Bienvenidos a Ecuador-dos!

Well, I've been home from Ecuador for just over a week, but in many ways it seems like many more weeks. I've had multiple dreams about Ecuador, from the amazing fruit there to chasing guinea pigs around the neighborhood I grew up in to save them from being eaten:) I miss Ecuador (specifically, Cuenca) terribly. I found the people wonderful and incredibly friendly to interact with every day I was there. I had mentioned before that mental health was a few decades behind the US in Ecuador (not just from what I saw, but this is coming from discussions with multiple people there). It was such a joy for me to go and share what I know, study, and love about mental health and wellness. The people there were incredibly receptive to listening to lectures on Wellness, Depression, Work-Life Balance, and Suicide, and many of them stayed after to have individual conversations. Many of them have asked for supplemental materials to be sent down, and I'm just so happy to be helping out down there!

I have to say that my time there wasn't just about me lecturing and teaching, but I also learned a lot from the people there. I obviously learned about the current state of mental health and counseling services, but I learned about relationships too. I think in many ways, Ecuadorians have a much better view of relationships then we do here. I think I learned a little more about pausing in my busy schedule to talk to those around me, and to really be in a community with them. I value this so much, and it definitely made me feel more appreciated there.

Ecuador was an absolutely wonderful experience, and I definitely want to go back as soon as I can to continue having conversations and sharing what I know about increasing wellness. I feel so blessed to get to see the things I saw, experience the food and the culture, and meet all the wonderful people I did over the course of the week.

As promised, here are some other pictures (a few are here in my first post about Ecuador):

 Cajas National Park in the Andes Mountains

 Outside the Trout Restaurant in the Andes Mountains

 The New Cathedral in Cuenca. It's so beautiful!

 This is the "school bus" that Ecuadorian children take to school.

 At the open air market. I love all the bright colors!

 Cute old Ecuadorian women walking in Cuenca.

 Sunset above the clouds. It's hard to see in this small picture, but the black gaps are the tops of the Andes mountains.

 Older woman in Turi

More Inca ruins in Cuenca with the Andes Mountains in the background

Having the Courage to REALLY live

"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be BRAVE. LIVE."

~Buffy (from ep The Gift)

Since I first watched Buffy back in the spring of 2008, this has been one of my favorite quotes, a quote I repeat to myself many times each month. I see people around me, whether it's people in my extended family, or my clients, who are terrified of some aspect of living. It takes a huge amount of bravery and courage to grab life by the shoulders, look at it straight on with brute honesty, and really live in it. 

Life is scary, hard, and overwhelming. It's easier to try to dull or deny the pain, and move through life without much conscious thought. It's easier to continue in the same life patterns then in honestly evaluating life, creating goals, and having the courage to change. When we are overweight, ridden with anxiety, have children or a spouse that has been abused, a child or friend in trouble with the law, or grieving over the loss of someone close (to name a few things!), it is much easier to move through life without really living in the world. But here's the thing. THIS is the life that we have. And, whether we want to or not, we need to live in it-really, deeply live. We need to have the courage to be brave and face our life, to make changes, take chances, and be honest with ourselves and others. 

To be honest, the idea of doing this is, at times, enough to turn me into an anxious ball of nerves. There are times in my life that I have lived without truly living. And I know that this is no way to live. I wish all my clients could identify the ways they weren't truly living, and be brave enough to make the changes necessary.

How are you being brave currently? What do you need to change to really live? 

Bronchitis (my current BFF)

I've been home sick from work the last 3 days with a fever reaching 103.5 degrees & bronchitis. I don't think anything has knocked me down from work this long except for influenza. You'd think that I could muster some strength for a creative post about Ecuador (don't worry...it's coming!), but for now, this is a post dedicated to Bronchitis (it's on my mind a little bit!). I know a number of friends around the country have also been diagnosed with bronchitis, so I thought I'd post the signs and symptoms for bronchitis. Knowing symptoms can help you seek treatment faster, and hopefully catch it before it sets in too deeply. The following is from the Mayo Clinic Website

For either acute bronchitis or chronic bronchitis, signs and symptoms may include:

• Cough
• Production of mucus (sputum), either clear or white or yellowish-gray or green in color
• Shortness of breath, made worse by mild exertion
• Wheezing
• Fatigue
• Slight fever and chills
• Chest discomfort

If you have acute bronchitis, you may have a nagging cough that lingers for several weeks after the bronchitis resolves. However, bronchitis symptoms can be deceptive. You don't always produce sputum when you have bronchitis, and children often swallow coughed-up material, so parents may not know there's a secondary infection. You can develop chronic bronchitis without first developing acute bronchitis. And many smokers have to clear their throats every morning when they get up, which, if it continues for more than three months, may be chronic bronchitis.

Treatment includes:

The goal of treatment for bronchitis is to relieve symptoms and ease breathing. Sometimes, all you may need to recover from acute bronchitis may be:

• Rest
• Drinking fluids
• Breathing in warm, moist air
• Taking an over-the-counter (OTC) cough suppressant and acetaminophen (Tylenol, others) or aspirin (for adults)

Here are a few things I've found that have helped me:

1. Lots of hot tea with honey. This has helped to break up blockage in the throat, decreasing coughing and helping with ease of breathing.

2. "Steaming"- My mom did this with me while growing up. Fill a sink with hot water, and hang your head over the sink with a towel over your head to trap in the heat.

3. Deep Breathing to help decrease the chance of Pneumonia

4. SLEEP! I have a desire to push myself, force myself to clean, organize, or go to work. But I've forced myself to rest and sleep all day

5. Nasal Lavage- This helps to clear out my sinuses and decrease the passage

6. Cough into your elbow or sleeve. DO NOT COUGH INTO YOUR HANDS, because this will spread to others... 

Bienvenidos a Ecuador!

Well, I am back from my week in Ecuador. I was there speaking at one of the best universities in the country, as well as touring Cuenca, Ecuador. I absolutely loved my time there, both as a tourist and as a visiting professor at the University. Mental health in Ecuador appeared to be, in many ways, a few decades behind where we are at in the United States. I spent most of my time lecturing on Wellness, with different spins (i.e. Work-Life Balance, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Depression, Resiliency, and Suicide), and it was a lot of fun. People had a number of really wonderful questions, and I had a lot of really wonderful conversations with different individuals. I hope to be able to continue those conversations, and will be spending the next few weeks typing up materials to send down there. I love the people, the culture, and the food, and it was pretty sad to leave. Of course, the warm weather also didn't hurt:) I will be posting pictures  sometime later this week, but I need to edit first, and I'm behind in everything in my life due to being out of the country.
To tie you over, here are a few pics!

 Such a cute design for an airlines flying all over Ecuador!

 2 generations: Old and new, both in tradition dress for their generation

 Inca Ruins in Cuenca, Ecuador

Cuy (guinea pig) cooking in an open air market. So disgusting... This was the only thing that I refused to try on the trip.

Don't think of today's failures, but of the successes of tomorrow.

Be of good cheer. Do not think of today's failures, but of the
success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult
task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find a joy
in overcoming obstacles.

-- Helen Keller 

I kept this quote on the inside of my planner in grad school, and saw it daily as I completed assignments, wrote papers, and began seeing clients. I love it:)

In yesterday's post on affirmations & positive self talk I talked briefly about how we harm ourselves by the negative things we repeat to ourselves on a frequent basis. So often we repeat to ourselves the failures in our past that we cannot experience success in the future. Everyone falls, but success and beauty comes from continuing to keep your eyes forward and pushing onward to the future. 

In other news, I will not be on any form social media for a week. We'll see if I can last that long:)

A Little Trick To Increase Self-Esteem & Identity (Affirmations!)

What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates his fate.  ~Henry David Thoreau

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

I was a very awkward middle schooler. Although I am no longer that awkward middle school girl, I inwardly cringe when I look at pictures or remember those 3 years of my life. Once we make it out of the "awkward years", we start to figure life out a little bit. However, due to experiences from that time period, or from other experiences (abuse, negative messages from friends or family, illness, etc...) in life, we often walk away feeling damaged.

I tell my clients we have this inner soundtrack to our lives, and if we really stopped and thought about it, we'd realize how many negative words and lies we tell ourselves on a daily basis. If you had a friend that said 20 or 30 negative things to you every day, would you allow them to stay in your life? Yet we can't get away from ourselves, so we continue to drag ourselves down day after day. Not only can we feel bad about ourselves, but we make life far more difficult for ourselves then it needs to be.

There is a simple little trick I have many clients do (yes-I have done this for myself in the past as well) to help them increase their self esteem or to help them "figure out who they are." The idea of this is that the more you say something to yourself, the more you will feel it, and the more you will behave as if that statement is true. What we say to ourselves is tied very tightly to our mood and to our behaviors. To change our feelings and behaviors, we begin by changing our thoughts (self-talk).

I start by having people write a list of the negative things they say on a frequent basis to themself. An example:

Once this is done, I have people write a list statements that are the opposite of the negative list, or other positive affirmations. An example:

Notice that the positive affirmations are always written in present tense, and always start with "I am ____". Read these to yourself a few times a day while looking at yourself in the mirror.

Even if you don't have low self-esteem, and you feel like you know who you are as a person, this little technique can be quite healthy and uplifting. Why not try it out this week? (This could even count as one of your little 5 minute activities-see here for idea for using time wisely)

Give Your Adult Children A Chance To Prove You Wrong!

We've all been there-the awkwardness we experience after we've moved out of the house (whether it's for college, a job, or just to become more independent) and now interact with our parents as adults. It takes some time (maybe a few months, a few years, or for some, maybe it will never happen) to figure out how to interact with your parents as an adult child, and for parents, it takes awhile to view your children as even semi-competent! 

For example, I went to my parent's house for Christmas, and when we'd get home from being out somewhere, my dad still told me "Go wash your hands." Ahem...if I'm old enough to counsel people, I'm pretty sure that I don't need to be told to wash my hands when I've been out. We've all been there. 

The frustrating thing is, we all easily revert back to our role in the family, and the way we functioned when we left the house. It takes an incredible amount of energy and intentional effort to change this. 

I had 3 clients complain to me today that all they want is for their parents to give them the chance to show them how they've changed instead of just assuming that they are the way they were when they moved out of the house at age 18. Parents (and aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings, and family friends!)- Please give your kids a chance to show you have they have grown and changed since they graduated from high school. Guess what-they might not have changed. But more then likely, there will be a lot of changes that you'll have missed too! Of course there are always those people that just don't seem to grow up, but the vast majority of us are not the same people we were when we were 18. If everyone around us is trying to stuff us back into that mold, we would never have had the chance to continue to grow, change, and fulfill our purpose in life. PLEASE! Step back for a moment and watch for the little changes and progress that your kids make, and encourage them on in the changes. And don't treat them like they are incompetent little children:) We all remember how we felt when others did that to us... 

Feel free to DM me on twitter or leave comments here telling your own funny stories!

No excuses for not working out!

Confession: I am the queen of coming up with excuses for not working out. Seriously. I once sat and did nothing but come up with different excuses for not getting on the elliptical for 45 minutes. Pathetic right? Once winter hits, my excuses become more frantic as my desire to stay out of the cold increases. However, I have found a solution this year that has allowed me to still get a number of miles in every week! (And if I can do it, so can you!)

1. When I do walk outside, I walk with another person. We laugh and tell stories and not only does it help keep my mind off my exhaustion or sore feet, but it also keeps my mind off the cold. Plus, not only am I engaging in the "physical" area of wellness, but also the "sense of humor" and "relationship-friendship". Plus it helps to decrease stress (are you sensing how many areas of wellness we're hitting in this single activity?)

2. When it's really just too cold to walk outside, I do the two walking videos on the realage.com website (click here for videos). This not only allows me to stay warm while working out, but I can also do something enjoyable like watch TV while doing it. Hmm...some of my excuses go right out the window!

Remember that flexibility is important for your health too! Good luck working out, and make sure to set healthy goals for changing your behavior! Click here for some information on how to write goals for successful behavior change!

Using Time Wisely

Happy New Year! I hope you all had a great Christmas break filled with fun, laughter, family & friends, and healthy choices! I spent New Years weekend with some friends from college, and had a wonderful time. It's hard to be back to real life, bills, dishes, and work.

Today while I was waiting in line to check out at the grocery store, I picked up the latest issue of Real Simple Magazine. They had an article discussing the idea "If you have just five minutes, do...". Interesting. One thing I see in my life and in the lives of those around me is black and white thinking when it comes to using our "down time." We have all sorts of little five and ten minute sections of time throughout the day, and we tend to use it on facebook, playing a game on the computer, or turning on the TV. Then, at the end of the day, we have a pile of chores and responsibilities on our To-Do list. So, what if we could change our thinking about those little 5 minute chunks of time? What if we began to use those little chunks so that we could be more efficient, or have a chunk of time at the end of the night to truly relax? Wouldn't we be less stressed, happier, and more relaxed people?

So here are some of my suggestions of how to use little 5 and 10 minute chunks of time:

1. Do the dishes
2. Clean the sink
3. Dust a room in the house
4. Respond to a few important emails
5. Do deep breathing to increase relaxation
6. Write a quick note of encouragement or appreciation to a friend
7. Re organize a drawer or shelf in your house
8. Throw out any trash that has collected in your car
9. Look up a recipe for dinner
10. Write out a few bills for the month
11. Fold a load of laundry
12. Order some prints of your digital photos
13. Do jumping jacks, planks, crunches, or another short burst of activity
14. Fill up the car with gas and wash the windows
15. Clean out a shelf of your refrigerator
16. Clean your toilet bowls or tub/shower
17. Reorganize your document or picture folders on your computer
18. Return a phone call
19. Make the bed
20. Put DVDs or CDs back in their correct cases

So there's 20 things I do in my little chunks of down time. Remember, you don't have to clean the bathroom or kitchen all at once. It's OK to split up chores like that over the course of an evening or a day. Or even two days:) Don't lock yourself into rules that create time wasters instead of using time well. And your reward: extra sleep or down time at the end of the evening!

Any other thoughts or suggestions? Feel free to leave a comment or tweet me!