“Anger is only a feeling inside the other person. It cannot jump across the room and hurt you. It cannot ‘get inside’ you unless you allow it” (p. 242).
In my last post, I summarized the first 5 laws of Boundaries. (Remember-You are responsible for your own THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, & ACTIONS. No one else's. And no one else can control yours). Following is a summary of the last 5 laws of Boundaries (Taken from Cloud & Townsend's book Boundaries)
6. The Law of Evaluation: “You need to evaluate the effect of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person, but that does not mean you should avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or ager. To have boundaries is to live a purposeful life” (Cloud & Townsend, p. 94).
7. The Law of Proactivity: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. When people have been complying and not keeping healthy boundaries, their pent-up anger or frustration can quickly explode. Reaction phase is necessary (not sufficient) for boundary establishment. Reaction allows a person to find their own boundaries, but one cannot stay in reaction phase forever. Reaction leads to proactive boundaries. “Proactive people show you what they love, what they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for” (Cloud & Townsend, p. 96). Proactive people can love others as they love themselves, without feeling resentful or stressed. There is a mutual respect in these relationships.
8. The Law of Envy: Envy keeps us dissatisfied, and makes it easier to tear others down. We cannot truly love others while being envious of them. Envy focuses us outside of our boundaries instead of our own responsibilities.
9. The Law of Activity: We are supposed to be active, not passive, and should possess initiative. Boundary problems occur when a person is passive, when they fail to try.
10. The Law of Exposure: This law “says that your boundaries need to be made visible to others and communicated to them in relationship” (Cloud & Townsend, p. 100). We try to secretly hold boundaries instead of giving a firm “yes” or “no” in situations because we fear exposing the boundary and losing love from another.
We're coming up to a time where we often get together with Family & loved ones. Although this can be a wonderful time, it can also be painful, filled with many strained family relationships. Remember, you are in charge of what you do, so be an active participant in it! Remind yourself over and over what you have control of, and set healthy boundaries with those you love.
Happy Boundary Setting!!