When I've Had A Bad Day...

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"

-FDR

I'll be honest. I had a completely different post planned out for today, but when I got home from work last night, I was in a grumpy mood, and was in no mindset to type the post I had planned. So, this is what you get today. Let's be realistic though. We all have bad days once in awhile. We all have days that, when we come home, lead us to wanting to crawl into bed with some chocolate or ice cream, a movie, and a cozy blanket. That's life in an imperfect world. Sometimes it's easy for me to dwell on how bad a day I had, and because I'm indulging that feeling, it carries on into the next day. That's not fair to myself (or others around me!) and certainly doesn't lead to a healthy mood. 

I thought I'd give you a few of the things I do when I'm in a grumpy mood to help pull myself up:

• Talk about it with others, but don't ruminate on it: It's healthy to talk to others about your feelings, and it helps to not stuff the feeling. However, ruminating on how bad of a day you are having will only serve to make you feel worse about it.
• Exercise: If nothing else, it's a way to beat out (or sweat out) the negative feelings you have. Plus it's good for your health:)
• Eat a balanced dinner: When I have a bad day, all I want is something unhealthy. Because food affects our mental health, I'm careful of what I eat. But I also give myself some freedom to have something I will enjoy (and indulge a little in something sweet)! It's tempting to turn to food to cope, and this isn't healthy. 
• Engage in self care behaviors:  Do something that you enjoy! Read a book, take a bath, go on a walk with a friend or significant other, paint your nails, or work out in the garage. 
• Laugh : Do what makes you laugh. If that's a specific website, check it out! If it's a TV show, watch an episode! 
• Prayer: This refocuses my mind on what's important in life.
• Engage in The Thankfulness Project: I make a list of things I'm thankful for in life. This helps fill my heart with gratitude instead of ruminating on the bad aspects of the day.

Obviously these are only a few of the many things that you can do to help lift your mood. No matter what, remember that this won't last forever. The day will end and tomorrow you will wake up and have a shot at a new day. Choose to make the next day better.

And with that, I'm off to watch a little TV and label pictures from a recent trip! 

Now it's your turn:

What do you do to lift your mood when you've had a bad day?

Don't Use Words Too Big For The Subject

Don't use words too big for the subject. Don't say "infinitely" when you mean "very"; otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite. 

- C.S. Lewis

If you've read this blog for very long, you know that I love talking about cognitive distortions! If you've missed some of the basic posts, you can check them out here:

Identifying Cognitive Distortions 

Identifying Cognitive Distortions {Part 2}

Challenging & Changing Cognitive Distortions 

What's The Deal With All the Catastrophizing? 

One way we can distort our thinking is by assigning words that are inappropriate for the situation. This can make us feel even more anxious, stressed, depressed, or angry. Here are some examples:

• "I'm SO ANGRY at that person!" Ok...are you really SO ANGRY, or just a little annoyed? You'll be more likely to feel more and more angry at the person if you continue to say how angry you are.
• "I'm COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED right now!" Let's step back for a minute. Are you actually completely overwhelmed, or are you a little busier and stressed then is ideal for you?

You get the idea. We often use words that are inappropriate for the situation, which can blow the situation out of proportion. Plus, when we are in a situation that is really terrible or completely overwhelming, what word will use to describe the situation. Interesting thought, isn't it? I expanded this idea a little in the post I linked above called "What's the Deal with all the catastrophizing"...I think it's worth checking out! 

I think it's incredibly easy for most of us to use inappropriate words in situations. I sure struggle with it. I grew up definitely exaggerating a lot of feelings, and I didn't realize until college how damaging and destructive this can be. It's been a many year battle to try to decrease this behavior in my life, and while I've often been successful, I still have those moments. I think that's part of being human. We may never be completely able to cut it out, but we can decrease it, and therefore make ourselves just a little healthier! 

Here's what I'd like to know:

Is it easy for you to assign an incorrect word to a feeling or a situation? 

What's The Deal With All The Catastrophizing?

Remember back a few months when I did a series on challenging cognitive distortions and irrational beliefs? If not, you may want to start from the beginning and check our my 1st and 2nd posts on identifying cognitive distortions as well! One of the cognitive distortions I see frequently is catastrophizing or awfulizing. How often do you hear (or even say) something like one of the following phrases:

• That speech was HORRIBLE
• I did a terrible job on that test
• The weather is so wretched right now
• That person is just miserable to be around

Brainstorm for a moment what this sort of speech does to yourself and to those around you. Does it dump pessimism and negativity around you? Does it decrease mood? Increase stress and anxiety? Leads you to feel like a failure? Does it lead to decreased productivity?

How many things that we label some sort of awful experience, catastrophe, or something truly terrible actually are that bad? If we use these words to describe an annoying person, a poor grade on a test, a mess up on a speech, or something like a little cold or stormy weather, what words do we have to describe things like genocide, murder, abuse, or natural disasters? 

The next time you are tempted to use an extreme word, check yourself. Is it really that awful? Can you really not survive it? Try to challenge yourself in using those words, and use a softer and more accurate word (unpleasant, upsetting, rough, difficult, etc...) word to describe the situation. 

What you can do:

• Challenge Yourself in Using Extreme Words- Don't Catastrophize Situations!
• Make it a game with your friends, family, or Co-workers- Check each other when you use (or catch someone using) the extreme words, and see how can find a more accurate sentence to replace it first!

What do you think the effects of Catastrophizing or making situations more terrible then they actually are? Is this easy to do? 

Identifying the Positive {Thankfulness Project}

Do you remember this post on the Thankfulness Project that I wrote this past November? Probably not...it was my first post (i think) so I'm sure many of you weren't reading yet. Go back and read the post to see why the idea of Thankfulness is so important for mental health!

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.

-- Epictetus

I think at times we can get so focused in on the negative that our grumbling increases and our mood decreases. Furthermore, we forget to acknowledge the good, positive things in our life. When I have my clients do this (in conjunction with other things of course!) the comment I hear the most is something like: "Oh my gosh-I don't know if I always had these good things going on in my life, but I feel like there are so many more positives then negatives right now." YES! We are blessed. That's not to say that there aren't negative things, unfortunate situations, and painful moments in life. But sometimes we focus on the negative and disqualify the positive.

That being said, on Mondays it can be difficult to stay positive. Today, I am dedicating my post to the blessings of today:

• YOGA NIGHT: I love waking up on Monday mornings knowing that I get to go to yoga:) It's so great knowing that I can start my week out on a healthy foot, and this sets the tone for the rest of the week!
• My Co-Workers: They are so fabulous and supportive. In fact, a few of my clients recently have commented on how well we all seem to get along. I'm so thankful for this!
• Getting Caught Up On Sleep: Yes, weird to mention on a day of getting up early, but I got caught up on sleep, or maybe just slept as much as I actually needed, the last few days. I felt great!
• The Sunshine: Although it's still cold outside (grrrrr), I chose to focus on how sunny it was. This winter, there were many days and weeks that went by where I didn't see the sun, and my body started to crave it. I've gotten lots of sunshine recently!
• Some Wonderful Days With My Family:)

So here's what you can do:

Each week, keep a continuous list of positive things/ blessings/ things you are thankful for. This will train your brain to identify the positive alongside the negative. Additionally, you'll have something to reference when you feel like "there's nothing good in my life right now".

What do you think of the idea of Thankfulness? What are you Thankful for this week?

The Development of Perfectionism {Part 1}

When discussing Perfectionism with clients, I usually ask them something like "What do you think started this pattern of beliefs and expectations in your life." Of course I'm not expecting them to always know the reason why, but it's interesting to hear the brainstorming that occurs. Some people talk for a few minutes with a lot of "i don't knows" thrown in, while others immediately can list a series of expectations put on them by parents that they believe have led to the perfectionism in their life.

Perfectionism can't always be pinpointed to one person or one moment in time. It can be complex, with a number of factors, experiences, and people involved. One of the prominent ways people seem to develop perfectionism is through other-imposed standards and expectations.

A child learns that by following the expectations and standards of those around her, she is able to avoid an argument, beating, or "make the parent happy" when she is perfect (or perfectly meets the expectations). "Implicit in the social expectations model is the notion that children who are not capable of meeting parental expectations will experience a chronic sense of helplessness and hopelessness as a result of their inability to meet the standards imposed on them...a sense of contingent self-worth is a central aspect of socially prescribed perfectionism" (Elliot & Hewitt, 2002, p. 90). Parents, or others close to us in life, can create a way of life where our self-worth is contingent on our achievement or looks. In this sort of system, we quickly learn that when we fail to achieve, we don't have worth and aren't "ok". Not only are we "not ok", but depression, anxiety, and stress, along with feeling unloved, can result.

Social learning basically suggests that we learn in a social context, through the words and actions (the modeling) of those around us. Even if parents don't put perfectionistic expectations on their children, they can model the "importance" of perfectionistic standards to their children in how they speak about themselves. Children tend to think and speak like their parents do, and when it comes to things that are unhealthy, this modeling is obviously a little dangerous.

Also, interestingly enough, "perfectionism was associated with guilt, psychological distress, and a maladjusted family of origin...correlations that reflected a lack of intimacy and autonomy" (Elliot & Hewitt, 2002, p. 97). I found that interesting. The more controlling and stifling the family is, the more likely perfectionism will develop.

*you can find the rest of my series on perfectionism here.

I will leave it at that for the day.
So what do you think? Did your own family of origin lead to perfectionistic standards in your own life? 


Elliot, G.L., & Hewitt, P.L. (2002). Perfectionism: Theory, Research, and Treatment. american psychological association. 

Learning to Fail Better...

" 'Failing Better' boils down to controlling our emotions, adjusting our thinking, and re-calibrating our beliefs."

-Psychology Today, 2009

I've gotten a lot of great feedback (both in comments section of the blog and on twitter) on my post on Success and Failure. Ironically, tonight I was going through old magazines that have stacked up in my room, and I found an article from the June 2009 Psychology Today magazine entitled "Weathering the Storm." After skimming the article, I was again reminded of something crucial in regards to failure:
It gives us the opportunity to stop, reevaluate, and try again.

Oftentimes, when we fail, we want to give up, or we half-heartedly try again. However, we so easily forget that when we fail, this can be a time of great learning and growth. We forget that we can come out of these times better, stronger, wiser, and healthier people if we deal with these times in a healthy manner, and if we intentionally try to learn from them! This is how resiliency can start to develop-We fall, and we learn how to stand up once again. I know that I'm often incredibly tempted to give up when things don't work out, and I'm so glad that I haven't defined myself as a failure and given up through those times. I definitely wouldn't have gotten my master's or finished my thesis, two of the things I'm most proud of in my life, if I had given up the first or the second time things didn't work right.

We can't prevent ourselves from "failing"-we are imperfect people who will constantly make mistakes, but we can choose what to do once it has happened.

So here are a few things that the article suggested for "failing better" in life:

1. Lighten Up- Sometimes we just take ourselves too seriously, and we need to develop a sense of humor. Humor allows us to gain a different perspective on the situation, and laughter decreases the heightened levels of stress.
2. Join the Club- Find others who are in your situation, and vent-eventually you will vent yourself out and start coming up with solutions. (A side note: venting can be healthy, but ruminating to the point of just staying stuck is not. Vent, and start looking for the "now what")
3. Feel Guilt, Not Shame- guilt is "something I did", while shame is "something I am"). You may have messed something up, but you are not the mess up or the failure
4. Cultivate Optimism- thinking flexibly and learning to increase your options. Sometimes we stay so stuck on only one option, that we forget to look at alternatives. This generates pessimism instead of optimism. Remember, fight against the cognitive distortions that come so easily and naturally.
5. Ask Not What The World Can Do For You... What can you give back to the world? Sometimes failure gives us to opportunity to be free to give in ways that we couldn't otherwise.
6. Scale Down Your Expectations For Yourself- Are you holding yourself up to unreasonable, perfectionist standards? Set realistic expectations for yourself. It's fine to dream and to push yourself, but if you set unrealistic expectations, you will have no option but to fail. It's a losing game.
7. Harness the Bridget Jones Effect-JOURNAL! It not only gets stuff from inside your head out, but it allows you to view it in a different perspective. This also allows for more discovery, and a reevaluation of things in life.
8. Don't Blame Yourself- If you attribute all your "failures" to being something fundamentally wrong with you, your mood will decrease dramatically, and you will continue to fail again. There is no optimism is constant self-blame.
9. Act! "Failure is an opportunity to change course. Seize it!"

What have you accomplished in life that you wouldn't have achieved had you given up after the first attempt? 

Thoughts of a {Running} Beginner...

I went to bed in a bad mood last night, hoping that I'd wake up feeling happier in the morning. This morning, I was awakened early by the annoying sound of my phone ringing. Although I tried to go back to sleep, I couldn't. I got out of bed in a bad mood. After drinking some juice and eating a Larabar, I decided to catch up on some blogs, and then go out on a run/walk. I don't know if I've ever talked about my love of walking/major dislike of running or not. But, the jest of it is this: I love moving, making healthy choices, and getting outside. Of course the endorphins aren't bad either. However, I feel like I don't have a body built for runs. My joints ache with the pounding of my feet on the sidewalk, and I feel like i can't get enough oxygen. I can really briskly walk 7.5 miles much easier then I can run .5 of a mile. Well, back in December I decided it was time to try and run (at this point I was walking 18-25 miles a week, so I was incredibly active). I ran for .75 mi and my vision started going and was on my way to passing out. So, after some quick consultation on twitter (thanks guys!), I decided to do a walk/run program and mix in a few minutes of running with a few minutes of walking quickly, and go back and forth.

Ok, that being said, I decided to do that today. I ran/briskly walked 3 miles in 35 minutes, and felt wonderful. I probably ran about 1-1.25 miles of the 3 miles, in 3 different chunks. When I want to quit, I keep repeating "I'm making healthy and positive choices in my life...I'm making healthy and positive choices in my life" and this keeps me moving forward. So, by the time I got back from my run, I felt great, physically and emotionally, and was in a much better mood.

For all you runners: Any tips for sore joints/muscles, breathing/heart rate, or anything else related to running?

What types of exercise do you enjoy doing? Anything you can't stand? How do you motivate yourself when you want to give up in the middle of exercising? 

Identifying Cognitive Distortions, pt 2

In yesterday's post, I began to discuss Cognitive Distortions, and listed the first 5. This post includes the other 5 types of distortions.
Again, this information is from D. Burns, 1980,Feeling Good

6.     JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

a.     Mind Reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don’t bother to check this out.

b.     The Fortune Teller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.

7.     EMOTIONAL REASONING: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: I feel it, therefore it must be true.

8.     SHOULD STATEMENTS: You try to motivate yourself with “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. “Musts” and “oughts” are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

9.     LABELING AND MISLABELING: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: “I’m a loser.” When someone else’s behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him: “he’s a louse”. Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

10.     PERSONALIZATION: You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event which, in fact, you were not primarily responsible for. 

The Next Step:

Ok, so now you have the different cognitive distortions. However, if you read through this list and then go on in life, these irrational beliefs will continue to play out in your life. Why don't you take a little time and come up with examples of how you have engaged in each of these cognitive distortions. Tomorrow's post (hopefully!) will be on steps to change these distortions!

Identifying Cognitive Distortions

Cognitive Distortions are basically irrational beliefs that we create and repeat to ourselves. These distortions decrease mood, and increase stress, anxiety, frustration, and guilt. (Click here for other posts in this series). If we cannot identify and change our distortions, we cannot be healthy individuals, and, at the very least, we will make life much more difficult for ourself.

The following are the first few types of cognitive distortions (from D. Burns, 1980, Feeling Good).

1.     ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING: You see things in black-and-white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

2.     OVERGENERALIZATION: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

3.     MENTAL FILTER: You pick out a single negative detail and drwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.1.      

4.     DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE: You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or other. You maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

 5. MAGNIFICATION (CATASTROPHIZING) OR MINIMIZATION: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow's imperfections). This is also called the "binocular trick." -This is also known as awfulizing


So What Can You Do?
We cannot change our distortions until we identify how and when we think them. Watch yourself the next few days, and try to catch yourself in these irrational beliefs. Once you know how you think, you can begin to change. When you catch yourself saying (or thinking) a distortion, immediately change it. You don't have to believe the new statement, but say it anyways. This practice will start to change your patterns of thought, thus increasing mood and decreasing stress and frustration. 

Warming up with a glass of tea

Now that December has arrived, the temperature has dropped, and the desire to cuddle under a warm blanket has increased. One way to stay warm-drink a cup of a warm liquid (water, tea, etc...). Beyond just making you feel warmer, however, researchers have discovered that the warmth of a drink can help increase a person's mood. Translation-you will generally feel happier and more peaceful after consuming a warm drink! Another benefit? People are more likely to complete a random act of kindness (even for strangers!) after drinking something that was warm.


I specifically love tea. Sometimes I can get incredibly sick of drinking water (yes-sometimes I just drink hot water), and like a little flavor. Furthermore, tea contains antioxidants, which are particularly healthy for us. Research is currently being done to determine what the tea-anticancer connection is (although there's already been some evidence that tea helps to decrease risk of cancer). The process of holding a warm drink, and soothing yourself, is deeply calming and stress relieving, which provides great health benefits as well. 


I'm by no means an expert in tea, but I became a big tea drinker once I started counseling. Most people are a bit fidgety, and as a counselor, I sit in a chair all day and listen to others talk, and occasionally speak myself. This is the perfect time for me to fidget. But who wants to go to a counselor who's chewing their nails or picking at their skin on their hands? So I hold a glass of tea or hot water. Not only do I feel more pleasant, and am hydrating myself, but it gives me something to keep my hands busy!

Above are a few pictures from my own little tea nook in my kitchen. 

Check out this link for more info on health & tea:

http://cls.realage.com/srch/RASearch.aspx?query=tea+health+benefits

So, this winter, think about drinking tea as a benefit for your overall mood!