Having the Courage to REALLY live

"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be BRAVE. LIVE."

~Buffy (from ep The Gift)

Since I first watched Buffy back in the spring of 2008, this has been one of my favorite quotes, a quote I repeat to myself many times each month. I see people around me, whether it's people in my extended family, or my clients, who are terrified of some aspect of living. It takes a huge amount of bravery and courage to grab life by the shoulders, look at it straight on with brute honesty, and really live in it. 

Life is scary, hard, and overwhelming. It's easier to try to dull or deny the pain, and move through life without much conscious thought. It's easier to continue in the same life patterns then in honestly evaluating life, creating goals, and having the courage to change. When we are overweight, ridden with anxiety, have children or a spouse that has been abused, a child or friend in trouble with the law, or grieving over the loss of someone close (to name a few things!), it is much easier to move through life without really living in the world. But here's the thing. THIS is the life that we have. And, whether we want to or not, we need to live in it-really, deeply live. We need to have the courage to be brave and face our life, to make changes, take chances, and be honest with ourselves and others. 

To be honest, the idea of doing this is, at times, enough to turn me into an anxious ball of nerves. There are times in my life that I have lived without truly living. And I know that this is no way to live. I wish all my clients could identify the ways they weren't truly living, and be brave enough to make the changes necessary.

How are you being brave currently? What do you need to change to really live? 

Laws of Boundaries Part 2

 “Anger is only a feeling inside the other person. It cannot jump across the room and hurt you. It cannot ‘get inside’ you unless you allow it” (p. 242).

In my last post, I summarized the first 5 laws of Boundaries. (Remember-You are responsible for your own THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, & ACTIONS. No one else's. And no one else can control yours). Following is a summary of the last 5 laws of Boundaries (Taken from Cloud & Townsend's book Boundaries)

6.     The Law of Evaluation: “You need to evaluate the effect of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person, but that does not mean you should avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or ager. To have boundaries is to live a purposeful life” (Cloud & Townsend, p. 94).  

7.    The Law of Proactivity: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. When people have been complying and not keeping healthy boundaries, their pent-up anger or frustration can quickly explode. Reaction phase is necessary (not sufficient) for boundary establishment. Reaction allows a person to find their own boundaries, but one cannot stay in reaction phase forever. Reaction leads to proactive boundaries. “Proactive people show you what they love, what they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for” (Cloud & Townsend, p. 96). Proactive people can love others as they love themselves, without feeling resentful or stressed. There is a mutual respect in these relationships.

8.     The Law of Envy: Envy keeps us dissatisfied, and makes it easier to tear others down. We cannot truly love others while being envious of them. Envy focuses us outside of our boundaries instead of our own responsibilities.

9.    The Law of Activity: We are supposed to be active, not passive, and should possess initiative. Boundary problems occur when a person is passive, when they fail to try.

10.     The Law of Exposure: This law “says that your boundaries need to be made visible to others and communicated to them in relationship” (Cloud & Townsend, p. 100).  We try to secretly hold boundaries instead of giving a firm “yes” or “no” in situations because we fear exposing the boundary and losing love from another. 

We're coming up to a time where we often get together with Family & loved ones. Although this can be a wonderful time, it can also be painful, filled with many strained family relationships. Remember, you are in charge of what you do, so be an active participant in it! Remind yourself over and over what you have control of, and set healthy boundaries with those you love.

Happy Boundary Setting!!