I Can't Give What I Don't Have...

Remember a few months back when I did a series on Boundaries? (If not here are a few of the links:  basics, active process,burnout-1, burnout-2, laws of boundaries-1, and laws of boundaries-2)


So, a quick reminder of boundaries: Boundaries are like invisible property lines that define what is me, and what is not me. What "is me" (what I am responsible for) would include my thoughts, my feelings, and my actions (behaviors). I can't make others be responsible for mine, and I can't take on the responsibility for others. Doing this is to have poor boundaries, and will lead to unhealthiness in our self and in our relationships with others. We can't have a truly healthy relationship without having healthy boundaries. 

    “You may need to set boundaries on people in real need. If you are a loving person, it will break your heart to say no to someone you love who is in need. But there are limits to what you can and can’t give; you need to say no appropriately” (Boundaries, p. 250).

Over the course of the last month, I saw a lot of conversations in blogs and on twitter about "self-love" and taking care of ourselves. The problem with boundaries is that they can seem selfish. However, we only have so much that we can give before we run ourselves into the ground. I always tell my clients "You can't give what you don't have." If you are going to pour into others, then you need to poured into to be refilled, so that you have something else to give. Without being refilled, we will run dry fairly quickly. So, while it seems selfish to say no to people sometimes, I believe that it's one of the most loving things we can do. Yes, we may be giving a little less in the moment, but long term we'll be giving a lot more. And, if we hit a point of burnout (links to information on burnout at the top of this post), then we can't give anything to anyone else around us. 


How do you set limits in life? Do these limits feel selfish? Any examples of limits you have to put in your life to keep you healthy?

Laws of Boundaries Part 2

 “Anger is only a feeling inside the other person. It cannot jump across the room and hurt you. It cannot ‘get inside’ you unless you allow it” (p. 242).

In my last post, I summarized the first 5 laws of Boundaries. (Remember-You are responsible for your own THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, & ACTIONS. No one else's. And no one else can control yours). Following is a summary of the last 5 laws of Boundaries (Taken from Cloud & Townsend's book Boundaries)

6.     The Law of Evaluation: “You need to evaluate the effect of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person, but that does not mean you should avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or ager. To have boundaries is to live a purposeful life” (Cloud & Townsend, p. 94).  

7.    The Law of Proactivity: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. When people have been complying and not keeping healthy boundaries, their pent-up anger or frustration can quickly explode. Reaction phase is necessary (not sufficient) for boundary establishment. Reaction allows a person to find their own boundaries, but one cannot stay in reaction phase forever. Reaction leads to proactive boundaries. “Proactive people show you what they love, what they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for” (Cloud & Townsend, p. 96). Proactive people can love others as they love themselves, without feeling resentful or stressed. There is a mutual respect in these relationships.

8.     The Law of Envy: Envy keeps us dissatisfied, and makes it easier to tear others down. We cannot truly love others while being envious of them. Envy focuses us outside of our boundaries instead of our own responsibilities.

9.    The Law of Activity: We are supposed to be active, not passive, and should possess initiative. Boundary problems occur when a person is passive, when they fail to try.

10.     The Law of Exposure: This law “says that your boundaries need to be made visible to others and communicated to them in relationship” (Cloud & Townsend, p. 100).  We try to secretly hold boundaries instead of giving a firm “yes” or “no” in situations because we fear exposing the boundary and losing love from another. 

We're coming up to a time where we often get together with Family & loved ones. Although this can be a wonderful time, it can also be painful, filled with many strained family relationships. Remember, you are in charge of what you do, so be an active participant in it! Remind yourself over and over what you have control of, and set healthy boundaries with those you love.

Happy Boundary Setting!! 

Laws of Boundaries

“You only have the power to change yourself. You can’t change another person”
 
Ok-going back to boundaries (previous posts on boundaries: basics, active process, burnout-1, and burnout-2). So each of us are responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Not those of others. There are 10 Laws of Boundaries that I'll talk about-split into 2 posts. (this is from Cloud & Townsend's book called Boundaries)

1.     The Law of Sowing & Reaping: When we try to take responsibility from others, we try to cover up their mistakes or save them from pain. Someone else besides the “doer” is experiencing the consequences. Someone who continually rescues another is a codependent. The codependent “co-signs the note of life for the irresponsible person.” Healthy boundaries “force the person who is doing the sowing to also do the reaping” (p. 85).

2.     The Law of Responsibility: We are to LOVE one another, not BE one another. We can’t grow or change for another person-they must do the work themselves. This is truly loving to another person. When we take responsibility from them, we don’t give them a chance to learn to stand on their own two feet, grow, or learn for themselves.

3.     The Law of Power: You may not have the power to break addictions or unhealthy patterns on your own, but you have the power to seek out others who can help us, we have the power to accept advice, and we have the power to practice implementing new patterns. You may not have the power to change others, but you do have the power to influence others & exhibit healthy behaviors.

4.     The Law of Respect: In setting boundaries, one fear is that others won’t respect our boundaries, or that people will walk away from the relationship. However, even if we don’t understand or agree with the boundaries of others, we need to respect others (do unto others what you would have them do to you= If I wish for my boundaries to be respected then I need to respect the boundaries of others).  If we can learn to accept other’s choices, we can let go of a lot of fear, guilt, or anxiety.

5.     The Law of Motivation: There are false motives for helping others (or taking responsibility for their loads): Fear of loss of love or abandonment, fear of others’ anger, fear of loneliness, fear of losing the “good me” inside, guilt, payback (feel burden to pay for all that you’ve been given), approval, & over identification with the other’s loss. “We were called into freedom, and this freedom results in gratitude, an overflowing heart, and love for others” (Cloud & Townsend, p. 92).  This law operates under the freedom first, service second. What’s service when it’s done out of fear or obligation?