I am only one, but I am still one.

First of all, I'd like to say sorry for the lack of posts in my series on perfectionism. This week has been long, and by the time I get home from work, I need to engage in some self care activities (remember my post on not being able to give what I don't have?). So, I've been busy taking care of myself. However, I promise to be back to posting on perfectionism soon. In the meantime, start challenging your own black and white thinking!

I thought I'd share this quote with you all today:

I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still
I can do something; I will not refuse to do the something I can do.

-- Helen Keller 

I love this quote! Sometimes I see a situation that we as counselors deal with every day, and feel that no matter how hard I work with people struggling with it, the problem will still be there generation after generation. I guess if I allowed myself to really focus on this idea and dwell on it, I'd start feeling pretty down. But, I can do something, and that something can allow someone else to change. That something I can do can still change one person's life. I think that's why I love this quote. Most of us won't go on to do something really big in life (I'm not saying we won't do something important, but most of us aren't going to invent something or become "famous"), but that doesn't mean that we can't do something, and that something can't be important.
So, if you get discouraged in what you're doing, remember that it might not be everything (or be what the world might define as great) but you can do something, and that something is important.

Do you ever feel like you aren't making a difference in your life? What do you do to combat that thinking so you stay motivated to keep "doing"?

Laws of Boundaries

“You only have the power to change yourself. You can’t change another person”
 
Ok-going back to boundaries (previous posts on boundaries: basics, active process, burnout-1, and burnout-2). So each of us are responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Not those of others. There are 10 Laws of Boundaries that I'll talk about-split into 2 posts. (this is from Cloud & Townsend's book called Boundaries)

1.     The Law of Sowing & Reaping: When we try to take responsibility from others, we try to cover up their mistakes or save them from pain. Someone else besides the “doer” is experiencing the consequences. Someone who continually rescues another is a codependent. The codependent “co-signs the note of life for the irresponsible person.” Healthy boundaries “force the person who is doing the sowing to also do the reaping” (p. 85).

2.     The Law of Responsibility: We are to LOVE one another, not BE one another. We can’t grow or change for another person-they must do the work themselves. This is truly loving to another person. When we take responsibility from them, we don’t give them a chance to learn to stand on their own two feet, grow, or learn for themselves.

3.     The Law of Power: You may not have the power to break addictions or unhealthy patterns on your own, but you have the power to seek out others who can help us, we have the power to accept advice, and we have the power to practice implementing new patterns. You may not have the power to change others, but you do have the power to influence others & exhibit healthy behaviors.

4.     The Law of Respect: In setting boundaries, one fear is that others won’t respect our boundaries, or that people will walk away from the relationship. However, even if we don’t understand or agree with the boundaries of others, we need to respect others (do unto others what you would have them do to you= If I wish for my boundaries to be respected then I need to respect the boundaries of others).  If we can learn to accept other’s choices, we can let go of a lot of fear, guilt, or anxiety.

5.     The Law of Motivation: There are false motives for helping others (or taking responsibility for their loads): Fear of loss of love or abandonment, fear of others’ anger, fear of loneliness, fear of losing the “good me” inside, guilt, payback (feel burden to pay for all that you’ve been given), approval, & over identification with the other’s loss. “We were called into freedom, and this freedom results in gratitude, an overflowing heart, and love for others” (Cloud & Townsend, p. 92).  This law operates under the freedom first, service second. What’s service when it’s done out of fear or obligation?

How to Write Goals for Successful Behavior Change

SMART is an acronym used to describe how to write goals in a way to create the highest likelihood that you’ll be able to meet your desired goals.  Goals like “I’m going to work out” or “eat better” or “sleep more” are very difficult to achieve. What does better mean? How do you know when better or more is achieved?  That’s why we need  SMART goals!

Specific: This answers the question who, what, and why of the behavior change. What do you want to accomplish by

Measureable: How will you measure your change in behavior? Include criteria for measuring the progress that you’re making.

Attainable: It’s fine to challenge yourself, but if your goal is outrageous, then you won’t achieve it. The more you experience success, the more motivated you will stay. If you can’t achieve your goal, then you need to re-write it.

Realistic: Is your goal do-able? Again, stretch yourself and write goals that take some effort to achieve, but not so much effort that you give up and fail.

Time-Oriented: What’s the time frame for your goal? Commitment to a set time allows you to work toward something specific.  Will you complete your goal at each meal, by the end of the month, or by the end of the year?

Other tips for setting and achieving your goals:

1.     Get others on board! Whether they are just supporting you or working towards the same goal, having others to keep you accountable and encourage you are crucial to success!

2.     Put your goals in a place you’ll see them every day (kitchen, bathroom mirror, etc…)

3.     Evaluate your goals and progress on a frequent basis!

4.     Come up with a way to reinforce your progress or goal attainment.

5.     Engage in positive self-talk!