How To Survive A Break Up {Part 5}

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. "

-Alexander Graham Bell

This will be my last post (for now) on how to survive a break up. Throughout 5 different posts I've provided 20 different things you can do to keep yourself healthy when you're going through a break up or loss in your life. I hope you find them helpful, or will pass them along to others who are going through this difficult time as well.

Alright. Let's get on with the last 4 things you can do to survive a breakup in a healthy manner:

• Evaluate your relationship and yourself in that relationship. What went well in the relationship, and what would you like to see done differently in your next relationship? Maybe you need to work on communicating your needs clearly, or maybe you need to increase your self-esteem. Use this time that you aren’t in a relationship to become as healthy as you can be so that you go into your next relationship as a healthy individual. 
• Change your schedule or your daily routes to avoid your ex or places that were important in your relationship. If you know your ex goes to the same coffee shop that you do at 8 am every morning, then avoid that time (or even that shop) so you don't run into him. If a park is a constant reminder of your relationship, it is ok to change your route for a few weeks so you don't add more pain into your life. 
• Remind yourself of the positives in your future. It's easy to feel like your life is over and your future is dull because of the breakup. Remind yourself of the positives that will come in the future (graduating from college, dreams of your ideal job, a running race, etc...). Remind yourself that life isn't over because of the break up, and you will be happy once again. 
• Find a therapist or pastor to talk to. If you feel like some self-evaluation might be helpful, or if you are feeling depressed or suicidal, it would be helpful to contact a therapist or pastor to be a listening ear or provide some guidance. Therapy isn't just for "crazy" or "messed up" people. It can be beneficial for all people, regardless of how severe your problem is. Feeling sad from a break up is a great reason to see a counselor for a few sessions! 

Well, there you go! I want to again remind you that it is normal to be upset, angry, hurt, confused, _____ (fill in the blank) for weeks to months after, so give yourself the freedom to heal over time. You can't always control what's going on around you, but you can control how you react to it. You do have power, even when the situation seems powerless. 

Here are the other posts in this series in case you missed them!

How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 1}
How to Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 2}
How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 3}
How To Survive A Breakup {Part 1}
How To Survive A Breakup {Part 2}
How To Survive A Breakup {Part 3}
How To Survive A Breakup {Part 4}

Now it's your turn!

Looking back at all 20 steps for surviving a breakup, which seem the most "do-able" or helpful to you? What's something that has been more detrimental then helpful that you've done after a breakup? 

How To Survive A Break Up {Part 4}

"People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what is bitter and move on."

-Bill Cosby

When going through a break up, it's easy to feel helpless, like there's nothing you can do but be a victim to grief and sadness. While the sadness will still be there, there are still a number of things that you can choose to do to keep yourself healthy and not make the grief worse then it already is.

Here are a few more tips for surviving a break up in a healthy way:

• Love yourself. Focus on loving and taking care of yourself in the best way possible. This sort of combines engaging in self care behaviors, engaging in fun behaviors, and focusing on the positives in yourself, and it is very important. 
• Try as best as possible to forgive yourself and the other person. Sometimes things happen in relationships that cause it to fall apart. If you were the cause of the problems, do your best to not beat yourself up, but instead learn from what happened and forgive yourself. If it was the other person, holding onto bitterness will just keep you trapped in a prison of negativity. Try to embrace forgiveness as best as you can.
• Challenge & Change the cognitive distortions that can easily creep into our every day thoughts. These types of thoughts are not only irrational, but also negative and will lead to more anxiety and depression instead of allowing you to heal. Try to ensure that your thoughts are as rational as possible (click here for some helpful hints for doing this)
• Give yourself permission to take the time that you need. Grieving a relationship can take a large range of time to "get over", from a month or two to several months. Don't beat yourself up when you don't feel happy and back to normal as quickly as you might feel is appropriate. Grief takes time, so give yourself permission to grieve fully and heal in a healthy manner. 

In case you've missed any of the other posts in this series, here they are:
How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 1}
How to Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 2}
How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 3}
How To Survive A Breakup {Part 1}
How To Survive A Breakup {Part 2}
How To Survive A Breakup {Part 3}

Now it's your turn!

What makes loving ourselves so difficult (in good times and in bad)? 

How To Survive A Break Up {Part 3}

"No one told me that grief felt so like fear...at other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. "

-C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed, p. 3

Welcome back to another edition of how to survive a breakup in a healthy way that will allow you to become a healthier individual in the future.

Here are a few more tips to survive the breakup in a healthy manner:

• Focus on getting through today, not the next week or month. 12 step programs focus on staying sober "just for today", because thinking about going without their "drug of choice" forever is overwhelming. We can do anything for today. Instead of being miserable that you'll be without this person for forever, can you focus on surviving and grieving in a healthy way "just for today"?
• Continue to engage in healthy behaviors as much as you can. It can be incredibly difficult to maintain a healthy lifestyle while you're grieving, but it will help you stay healthy and grieve in an effective way if you can manage. Maintaining a consistent daily schedule is important. Continue to eat balanced meals, exercise as best you can, sleep 7-8 hours a day, etc... 
• Find fun activities to distract yourself, or pick up a new hobby. Sign up for a cooking or sewing class, or perhaps sign up for a few sessions of personal training in order to better learn a new type of exercise. Go out for a fun girls or guys weekend away or have a "staycation" at a friend's house.
• Make sure to not create negative messages about yourself. It can be pretty easy to internalize messages like "I'm not good enough", "I'm unloveable", or "I don't have any attractive qualities". Believing these messages will keep you depressed and won't allow you to grieve in healthy ways. Focus on the positive attributes and skills you have, and combat your negative thoughts when they come up. 

In case you missed them, here are the other posts in this series:

How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 1}

How to Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 2}

How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 3} 

How To Survive A Breakup {Part 1}

How To Survive A Breakup {Part 2}

Now it's your turn!

What are some of the fun activities you use to distract yourself when you're stressed or going through a tough time? 

How To Survive A Breakup {Part 2}

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

-Winston Churchil 

Today I'll be continuing my post on surviving a breakup. Breakups can be incredibly painful and overwhelming, and while you might not have actually had any say over the break up, you do have the choice of how you deal with it.
Here are a few more tips on surviving and grieving in a healthy way:

• Allow yourself to feel whatever emotion comes in the moment. It’s OK to cry or to feel devastated. If you feel happy in the moment, allow yourself to feel happy while knowing that this doesn’t negate your pain. Allowing the emotions to come and go as they want helps.
• Put healthy boundaries in place. If you are feeling attacked by your ex or his/her friends, remind yourself that you don't have to put up with it. Refuse to pick up the phone, walk away if you happen to run into them, etc... Do what you need to do in order to put distance between the two of you. (for some basic info on boundaries, click here)
• Engage in healthy coping skills. In times of distress, we tend to use whatever we know works in order to cope. However, using unhealthy coping skills (i.e. food, alcohol, sex) will only create more problems instead of less. Implementing healthy coping skills is crucial in going through a break up or any sort of grief.
• Help others help you. Others around you will want to do what they can to help make this time easier for you, but often feel awkward asking what they can do. Tell others what you need and what you would appreciate (i.e. a home cooked meal, a weekend away, a listening ear). You'll get what you need by being open and honest with others.

Remember to keep checking back for future posts in this series. Here are some of the past posts in this series:

How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 1}

How to Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 2}

How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 3}

How To Survive A Breakup {Part 1}

Now it's your turn!
What's difficult about giving ourselves permission to feel whatever emotion we feel in the moment (another way of looking at it: Why is it difficult to allow ourselves to feel sad or happy while going through a break up)? 

How To Survive A Breakup {Part 1}

"Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself."

-Deborah Reber

Today I am continuing my series on breakups, but this time I'm looking at it from the angle of the person going through the break up. Going through a break up is hard. In many ways, it can feel like a wrecking ball has smacked into you, tore you to pieces, and it is now left to you to put yourself back together again. Break ups can feel like you're grieving the death of someone, and essentially you are grieving the loss of a relationship. We can't do anything to make that grief magically vanish, but there are things you can do to grieve in healthy ways. Perhaps you felt like the break up came out of nowhere, and now feel powerless and hopeless. You still have power! You have the power to choose how you will grieve, and if you will choose a healthy or unhealthy route. Over the next few posts, I will be discussing some ways you can survive a breakup in a healthy way.

•    Disconnect from your ex. Sometimes people try to jump into being friends with their ex almost immediately. Most of the time, this just complicates the grieving process and keeps you too connected to your ex. To grieve and move forward, it’s important to disconnect and put a distance between you and your ex. Maybe you can be friends at some point, but most of this time this doesn’t work right away. Another part of disconnecting is hiding the person from your facebook feed (you don't need to see constant updates), and forcing yourself to stop reading and re-reading texts and emails. Dwelling will only hurt you. 
• Don’t jump too quickly into a new relationship. While it can help fill the gap where your ex once was, it really doesn’t help the grieving process. You need a chance to heal and be ok with yourself once again before you can make room for a healthy relationship. 
• Don’t isolate. Some alone time can be healthy, but isolate tends to fuel depression. Isolation also gives you the space to ruminate on and dwell on the break up and your pain. 
•   Create a strong support network full of people you trust. Don’t keep critical or non-understanding people in your closest ring of support. Choose people who can listen without giving advice, and who will be ok being a shoulder to cry on when you need. Rely on these people as a source of comfort.

Check back for more posts in this series. Previous posts from this series include:

• How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 1}
• How to Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 2}
• How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 3}

Now it's your turn!

What do you feel is the hardest part of going through a breakup? 

How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup... {Part 3}

This post is a continuation of my series on "how to help a friend or loved one through a break up". Here are the previous posts in this series:

• How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 1}
• How to Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 2}

Again, it's important to remember that as friends and family of someone who is hurting while going through a break up, we can't fix the broken heart, but we can support, encourage, and love the hurting individual. 

• Get your friend out of the house. This is similar to "distracting your friend", although distracting can be done inside your friends residence as well. Getting your friend away, maybe for a fun weekend get away, can be incredibly helpful (and fun!). 
• Invite a friend for dinner, or cook dinner and take it over to your friend's house. Sometimes when a break up happens life becomes overwhelming, and it's easy to stop taking care of yourself. By cooking a healthy, balanced meal for your friend, it will allow them to get the nutrients they need to stay healthy. 
• Don't talk badly about your friend's ex. Maybe your friend's boyfriend was a cheating jerk of a guy. Be careful not to say hateful things about him, because if she gets back together with him, that will just be awkward and uncomfortable with everyone involved. Remember that once words are said you can't take them back. While you can affirm that he didn't treat her properly, be careful about how harsh you are. 
• Be a shoulder to cry on, even if it is 6 months post-break up. It can be uncomfortable to deal with someone crying, and we sometimes get caught up in knowing the "right" thing to say. However, simply being present with your friend or loved one and being a shoulder to cry on can say more than your words every could. 

If you are a friend or family member of someone going through a break up, please recognize that you are not powerless in this situation. There are healthy things that you can do to try to help and encourage your loved on as she or he walks the path of grieving. 

Now it's your turn!

What do you do to help others when they are going through a loss or break up? What are some great ways to distract a friend or get them out of the house? 

How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup... {Part 2}

A few days ago, I did my first post in the series of "how to help a friend through a breakup". In it, I discussed four things that you can do when someone you love is struggling through a breakup and grieving the loss of that relationship. Today, I will continue with a few other things that you can do to help:

•   Be an encouragement. Going through a breakup, it’s easy for individuals to take on many negative messages about themselves. Encourage the individual with the qualities that you enjoy or appreciate in them. While they may be receiving negative messages from their ex or themselves, they need to hear positive messages around them. (examples of negative messages might include some of the following: "I'm worthless", "I'm unloveable", or "there's something fundamentally flawed with me).
• Encourage your loved one to engage in healthy coping skills. Negative coping skills, while they work in the moment, tend to create more anxiety or depression in the long run, and they don’t actually help heal their heart. Try to encourage your friend or family member to try out some of these healthy coping skills.
• Help distract the individual in healthy ways. Things that may be helpful include: taking a walk, going hiking, going fishing, going to a movie, watching a sport game, take a cooking class, or some other activity that the individual usually enjoys.
• Encourage healthy behaviors. Eat regular & balanced meals, exercise regularly, sleep well, find ways to reduce stress, etc… Staying healthy will help the individual to heal faster than if they become unhealthy instead. 

Remember that you can't FORCE your friend to engage in healthy behaviors or coping skills, but you can model healthy behaviors and coping, and you can encourage them to try some of them out. Be careful how hard you push, however, because many people are stubborn and will push back. 

Now it's your turn!

What are some healthy ways that you like to distract yourself? When you're upset or hurting, what's the first health behavior you let go of? How do you encourage those around you who are hurting? 

How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup... {Part 1}

Breakups can be tough, not only for the person, but for that individual's friends and family. Not only might you also be grieving the loss of that person to some extent (i.e.- now you have to "pick sides", or perhaps a siblings significant other had been in your life for many years as well), but you might feel somewhat out of control. You cannot fix your loved ones broken heart, and you can’t make things “ok” for them. However, you can be a great source and love and support for that individual.

It’s important to remember that going through a break up can be an intense time of grieving for the individual. The individual has lost someone important to them, as well as losing their future with that person. It takes time to process the relationship and grieve it.

Here are a few important steps that you can take to help:

•  Remember that you can’t be the one to fix the broken heart. Only time and the things that the individual does or doesn’t do can heal it. If you try too hard to fix it, you’ll likely frustrate the individual and make them more annoyed and agitated.
• Be patient and understanding. After a few weeks, and can get frustrating to hear the same complaints from the individual. Perhaps we might feel that things aren’t getting better quickly enough. Helping to normalize that this is a process that takes time can be very helpful to the individual. Don’t try to shame or guilt them into “getting back to normal”.
•   Be a safe place for the individual to talk and process. It’s healthy for the individual to communicate their feelings and needs to those they feel are safe. Listening in a non-judgmental way is incredibly important. Ask if the individual would like advice before you give it. If the individual feels that you’re always ready with a simple answer to their problems, they may not feel that you are a safe person to disclose information to.
• Avoid cliché phrases. Statements like “you’re better off”, “there are other people out there for you”, “your ex was a loser”, “everything happens for a reason”, and other similar phrases are more hurtful than helpful.
   

This post is part of a larger series on surviving a breakup. Check in throughout the next few weeks for more posts on the topic!

Now it's your turn!

What was the best or worst thing that someone said to you when you were going through a breakup? Has a breakup ever been hard on you when you weren't one of the two primary parties involved? 

 

Favorite Blog Posts From 2011

I know it's been a little quite here the last few days, but I've been enjoying time with my family and friends. I'll be back to regular posting next week! In the meantime, for my "Friday Favorites" post I thought I would do a summary of my favorite blog posts from 2011! Enjoy!

5 top posts from the year:

• Wellness Wednesday: {Life Task 1: Spirituality}- this post has somehow found it's way to the number one most viewed post on my blog, with several hits each week. This was one of the first posts in my Wellness Wednesday series. 
• Pumpkin Pie Greek Yogurt - Let's face it. This is just delicious! And healthy:)
• A Bad Chapter Within A Very Good Book - The quote that I wrote this post around is one of my all time favorite quotes. Trust me- I'm sure you'll love it too!
• The Practice of Gratitude & Thankfulness- While I wrote this post around Thanksgiving time, this is certainly a healthy practice at any point during the year!
• Advice For College Students

Some of my favorite posts from the year:

• Challenging & Changing Cognitive Distortions - The post has a lot of good information about transforming your thinking patterns to allow for greater health and happiness in your life!
• Thoughts of A Perfectionist - Not only does this post address thinking patterns of the perfectionist, but links to the other posts from the series on perfectionism that I did.
• It's Not About Me!
• The Series on Grieving and Loss- this link will take you to various posts by topic. This series is under "loss". I feel like this is good information to know, and can help us deal with suffering and loss in healthy and realistic ways!
• Don't Use Words Too Big For The Subject - Ways to change our word choice to align with reality. 
• The Series on OCD- I linked to the final post in this series, but it will take you to all the other posts as well! I hope that those who are struggling, or who have a loved one who is struggling, can find information like this and be able to recognize and understand it better!
• "You Don't Understand" - We've all heard (or said) that phrase before, haven't we? This post discusses that simple little phrase, and how it changes conversation and relationships.
• Healthy Coping Skills- It's good to use and practice good coping skills, isn't it? This post discusses categories of coping, and addresses ways to cope with things in a healthy manner.

It was honestly pretty hard to choose my favorite posts from the year. These aren't necessarily entertaining, but they contain information that is helpful or even crucial for living a healthy and happy life! 

Now it's your turn:

Link to your favorite blog post from the year in the comments section!

Friday Favorites

Favorite Tiny Delight of the Week

This week one of my favorite "little delights" has been hot chocolate. Due to lactose intolerance, I had to give it up for awhile. Last year I figured out how to make my own lactose free hot chocolate mix, and I am now happily back to drinking it once again! Sometimes I drink it plain, but this week I've done things to add a little extra "zing" to it, like putting a peppermint in it, or a raspberry tea bag! It definitely adds a little happiness to my afternoons!

Favorite Quote of the Week

Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.  ~Henry Ford

Favorite Post By Someone Else

Put Away the Turkey; Bring Out The Candy Canes! Heather at With A Side of Sneakers posted a mouthwatering recipe for cookies on her blog a few days ago, and I immediately "starred" it in my google reader as a must try Christmas treat. While you're on her page, make sure to check out her "tiny sneakers" link to read about her pregnancy!

Favorite Past Post

Choosing to Love After Loss - I did an entire series on Grieving back in April and May of 2011. Loving after loss (whether it's a death, a break up, or some other type of loss) can be difficult, terrifying, or seem "not worth it". Choosing to love again can be difficult, but is necessary and healthy. 

Favorite Search Term

• introduction thanksgiving
• let's break up (i wonder if the person who searched for this was disappointed when this post had to do with stress, and not leaving a relationship?)
• challenging cognitive distortions
• what to do if you have a bad monday (this post has some tips for dealing with a bad day)
• you may be healthy today and unhealthy tomorrow. Why. 

I hope you each have a great weekend! I know things get hectic during the Christmas season, so make sure to take some time to engage in self care and healthy behaviors. Get rid of the unnecessary stress and try to enjoy the activities! 

Now it's your turn:

What are you looking forward to this weekend? What's one of your "favorites" this week? 

Life Is A Daring Adventure

I'll do a quick update first:

On Wednesday I talked about Saying Goodbye Through Every Conversation

On Thursday I talked about A Bad Chapter Within A Very Good Book

On Friday I talked about one of my favorite current tiny delights.

On Saturday I talked about the question Can You Ever Really Recover From Loss?

And that brings us up to today. One other thing of tiny note. This week I will be guest posting over at Running With Sass. You can read the post here.  And while you're at it, you should spend a few minutes reading over the blog- it's great and well worth your time:) 

I will be doing another "media fast" as I prepare for the upcoming summer, making plans, and setting goals. I'll be "gone" for about a week or so, but promise to have some great posts when I come back! It's been a hectic last 2 months for me, and I feel this will be incredibly helpful and beneficial for me. I will certainly miss reading your comments and blog posts, but I will catch up and respond when I get back on my computer. 

I want to leave you with a quote that has been sticking out to me lately as I've been making decisions and brainstorming about goals for the next few months:

Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.- Helen keller

If we lived life as if it was a daring adventure, I wonder how we would push ourselves, and how our lives would change? Just a thought for you to mull over while I'm taking my own little mental health break. 

Here are a few things I'd like to know:

1. How do you make life a daring adventure for yourself?

2. Throughout the summer, what would you like to see posts about on this blog?

3. Any questions that you would like answered on my "About Me" page?

Can You Actually "Recover" From A Loss?

“Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputations. Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same. There is no going back to the past, which is gone forever, only going ahead to the future, which has yet to be discovered. Whatever the future is, it will, and must, include the pain of the past with it. Sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of those who have suffered a severe loss. If anything, it may keep going deeper” –A Grace Disguised (J. Sittser)

If you've missed the backstory of the book A Grace Disguised, click here and here to read about it. For my other posts in this series, click here and scroll down to the "loss" category. 

In many ways, I don't have much to say in this post, because I believe that the quote says the thing I want to say in a much more succinct and beautiful way. The thing with loss is that we never fully recover from it, and sometimes we act like we can. When we don't, we beat ourselves up. Or, on the other hand, we become angry when others around us don't recover completely from their loss. When you lose someone dear to you, it's like an amputation. When a limb is amputated, you learn to function again, and you can have a happy and successful life. However, your life won't ever be the same, you won't function in exactly the same way, and you will experience phantom pains. This is true with loss. Loss changes us deeply, we function in the world and view it differently, and we experience "phantom pains". You cannot recover from a loss, but you can learn to function once again, and you CAN have a good life once again. 

A Bad Chapter Within A Very Good Book

“But I have this sense that the story God has begun to write he will finish. That story will be good. The accident remains now, as it always has been, a horrible experience that did great damage to us and to so many others. It was and will remain a very bad chapter. But the whole of my life is becoming what appears to be a very good book” (p. 212) –A Grace Disguised

If you want to know the backstory to the book A Grace Disguised, you can click here to read the story behind the book, and the experience of loss by the author. 

I've loved this quote for a number of years. In life, whether it's a loss, grieving, death, or something else, we WILL have bad chapters. That certainly is a promise for our life. But just because it's a bad chapter doesn't mean that your entire life will be a good book. You can choose to learn from the bad chapter, but you can also choose to end the chapter, and to allow your life story to be a very good book. And, just because the whole of your life is a good book doesn't discount the fact that the chapter was bad. 

When you read a book or watch a movie, imagine if there was no tension, drama, fight, or "action". It wouldn't be a very good or entertaining story, right? We need some of the "bad" to help make the story good. Isn't that true with life as well? 

When you're in the midst of pain and suffering remember that it's a chapter, and it's not the whole story. This will be part of the story, but the story can still be great! 

Saying Goodbye Through Every Conversation

If you missed my latest post in my current series on grief, loss, death, and suffering (ooh...sounds less then fun, huh?), you can check it out here. I love the quote that the post is based around, so be sure to read it (at least the quote portion!).

I've experienced a number of kinds of deaths- old people, old people who are sick, young people who are sick, and young people who were perfectly healthy and fine and caught in the middle of an accident. Each brings about a different way to process grieving and death.

One thing I know I've experienced, and heard from others in the same position, is how they don't feel closure when someone dies suddenly. When someone is sick, there are a lot of good byes, final sharing of memories, taking final pictures, etc... It feels like there is some closure. However, when someone is in an accident and dies suddenly, those things don't get to happen. This can potentially make the grieving process much worse. Of course there are ways to try to find this- letter writing, reading a letter at a funeral or cemetery, or something of similar fashion. These are all good, and I would certainly encourage you to try them.

However, I'd like to share a perspective that I landed on about 5 years ago when it comes to sudden death. As we live our life with others, each interaction and conversation should be a goodbye. Think about it. When you are saying "goodbye" to someone who is very sick, you may share memories, laugh about an awkward moment, talk about how they've changed your life, discuss what they meant to you, and say "I love you." Shouldn't that be happening throughout a lot of the conversations that we have? Obviously every time I call up one of my parents or siblings I don't give them a list of ways they've changed my life. But from time to time I make sure to do that, so that, given an accident, I feel like I've said the things that are important to say. So even with an accident, if we've had a good relationship all along, we have been saying goodbye throughout our conversations.

How do you say "goodbye to others" through your conversations with them?

I Am Waiting For you, For An Interval.

I know I've taken a little break from my series on grief, loss, & suffering, but I've decided to add a few more things to this in the next few days. If you've missed my other posts on this topic, you can click here and go to the "loss" category. Each of my posts will be listed there by title. 

I was given this a number of years ago during a particularly difficult loss in my life, and it brought about such a beautiful image, so I thought i'd share it:

"Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name; speak to me in the easy way which you always used. But no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effort, without the trace of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near. Just around the corner. All is well."

-Henry Scott Holland Canon of St. Paul's Cathedral in London, England

When there is a death, I think it's such a shame when people refuse to ever talk about the person. I understand that sometimes talking can be painful, and trying to forget seems like the least painful route. However, the memories are still there, even if we try to avoid them. I think it's beautiful when people can sit and laugh about funny memories of the person, and carry them forward in life. People can continue to live on through our memories, and when we don't recognize the person and their life anymore, some of that goes away. Everyone deals with death differently, and I don't ever want to say there's just "one right way" to deal with it. There's not. But despite the pain, I've chosen to embrace the memories and share the stories. I found that this brings more joy then pain to my life, and throughout any given day, a little smile may come to my face at the memory of something. For me, this has been a much healthier approach to death.

What do you think of this quote? Is it hard to continue to talk about the person, or do you enjoy embracing the memories? 

Thankfulness Project Monday

Blessings are oftentimes not valued till they are gone. --Thomas Fuller

I don't want to get to the end of my life, or really even the end of a month, and realize that I've let something slip by me without acknowledging it and delighting in it. Plus, of course, practicing gratitude has many health benefits as well. 

That being said, here are a few of the things I'm thankful for today:

• My Mom: My post yesterday was dedicated to my mom, and just a few of the many things I appreciate about her. You can check it out if you'd like to know why!
• The Ability To Love After Loss: I posted about this earlier this week (you can read it here). The fact that I started to shut others down after my first loss makes me feel a little sad, and I'm so thankful I was able to open my heart to loving others again. I would've missed out on a lot of joy and laughter in relationships if I hadn't been able to do this.
• Spring Flowers: I'm pretty sure I said this one sometime in the last few weeks, but it's been very much true this week, so I thought I'd post it again. I've spent a few mornings and evenings this week taking pictures of them. They smell and look beautiful, and bring joy to my heart. 

picture from earlier this week

• Time to Clean: I'm sure I've said this before, but since mid March I've been on the go and out of town quite a bit. When I'm home, I've been trying to get the essential things done, and haven't had the chance to really clean. This changed this weekend, as I spent most of Saturday cleaning and organizing!
• My Online Acquaintances and Friends: That's right! I'm thankful for each of you! I appreciate our conversations, and your posts. I learn and am encouraged every day from you, so thank you for that!

Ok- your turn! What are you thankful for today?

Choosing To Love After Loss

“The problem of choosing to love again is that the choice to love means living under the constant threat of further loss. But the problem of choosing not to love is that that the choice to turn from love means imperiling the life of the soul, for the soul thrives in an environment of love. Soul-full people love; soul-less people do not. If people want their souls to grow through loss, whatever the loss is, they must eventually decide to love even more deeply than they did before. They must respond to the loss by embracing love with renewed energy and commitment” (p. 183). 

-A Grace Disguised (Jerry Sittser)

If you've lost someone before, you may understand the fear of choosing to love (remember this point?) . After experiencing my first "really painful" death (I knew others before, but never a good friend), I seriously questioned whether or not it was ever worth it to love if it meant experiencing the screaming pain that I felt. To be honest, for a few weeks I had myself convinced that I not only needed to not love new people in life, but I also needed to pull away from my current friends. My rationale: If I don't love, I can't hurt, and I won't ever be in this position again. It took about 5 weeks of really rationalizing with myself about why I HAD to love and connect to be healthy. Since that decision, I made friends who I have since lost. And every time I experience that pain again, the thought floats through my head that loving is not worth it. 

I have learned to quiet that voice. If I hadn't loved, I wouldn't have the joy, laughter, and memories that I do. These are PRICELESS and of great worth to me, even if I have to pay the price with tears and pain. Loving after loss is scary...very, very scary. It's hard to make a choice to open yourself to pain and hurt. But in choosing the pain, we choose life, joy, happiness, and laughter. You can't have one without the other... It's part of the experience of humanity. 

Have you ever been tempted to stop loving after loss? How did you convince yourself that loving is worth it?

Also- Happy Cinco De Mayo! Any fun plans tonight? 

When It Comes to Loss, Remember... {Part 2}

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

In yesterday's post, I listed a few important things to remember when going through a loss of any kind. Here are a few more:

•       Sometimes it can be very difficult or scary to let others close to you after you’ve lost someone. That’s a normal thing to feel! However, social support is incredibly important when going through the grieving process. (It sometimes seems that it's not worth the pain to love or to hope...IT IS, even when it doesn't feel that way!)
•      Grief isn’t a purely emotional experience. Grief will affect you emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually-it will affect the entire person, not just the emotions of the person.
•       Sometimes people feel guilty or like they are discounting the grief or the love they had for the person if they laugh or have any moments of happiness. Again, this is normal for many people going through the grieving process. However, laughter doesn’t take away the love that you have for the person, or mean that you aren’t in pain. You can grieve and laugh all in the same day-that is OK and even healthy!

         Have you ever felt like any of these things when going through a loss? How do you think grief & fear are similar? 

When It Comes to Loss, Remember... {Part 1}

Happy Tuesday! What a week it has been with big news events. Whew. Who needs a little break? I should have mentioned this earlier (my bad!) but I just want to send my thoughts & prayers out to the people of Alabama specifically right now as they are grieving and dealing with the loss of people, houses, and a sense of comfort and normalcy.

To catch you up on my previous posts on grief, loss, and suffering, here are the links:

• Myths & Misconceptions of Grief & Loss {Part 1}
• Myths & Misconceptions of Grief & Loss {Part 2}
• Dealing With Grief {Part 1}
• Dealing With Grief {Part 2}
• Dealing With Grief {Part 3}
• The Experience of Suffering and Loss
• Do You Let Suffering Transform You?

Here are a few other "facts" to remember when dealing with any time of grief or loss:

•      When it comes to grief, it’s important to remember that there isn’t one “right way” to deal with grief.
•       People will offer a lot of advice and suggestions. Remember-you are a different person then the advice giver, so while some things may work for you, others will not. THIS IS OK!! Try the different things out as your feel comfortable and don’t get down on yourself when they don’t work. Just try something different!
•      There is no fast forward button on grief, and no magic pill to take it away. There’s no option but to walk through it. It may be a long, difficult, and dark night, but the light of morning WILL be on the other side. Happiness and joy CAN return again. But no one can really make the feelings of pain go away. You need to walk through the experience and learn to deal with it in a healthy manner to help heal. 

      What's your favorite part of Tuesdays? 

Dealing With Grief {Part 3}

As the title suggests, this is the 3rd post in my discussion of healthy ways to deal with grief (let's be honest- if I'd included 12-15 things in one post, who would've actually stuck around to read the entire thing?). You can click here and here to read the other posts.
Here are a few more healthy ways you can choose to deal with grief in your life:

•         LAUGH. Find something (a funny website, TV show, favorite comedy, etc…) that will help you laugh a little bit.
•         Create a memory scrapbook: Sometimes when we lose something or someone important, we retell the stories and memories over and over and over again so we don’t forget them. Instead of having to do that, it can be helpful to create a book of memories and pictures and funny stories. Then you don’t have to retell the stories over and over because you always have a place to go back to. This can be freeing.
•         Journal! This can be helpful in identifying and processing, and even expressing, the various emotions and experiences that you are going through. Sometimes, writing can be difficult, so typing something like an online blog (you can block to private so no one else can read!) can seem a little less overwhelming to do.
•          Figure out a special way to remember your loved one: Pick up an interest they loved, get involved in an organization that they valued, or create an organization/walk/group they would’ve loved (i.e. your spouse dies of cancer so you hold a cancer walk once or twice a year). 

After looking at the 12 ways I've posted here to help deal with loss, do you think any of these might be beneficial in your life? How was your weekend?