How To Survive A Break Up {Part 4}

"People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what is bitter and move on."

-Bill Cosby

When going through a break up, it's easy to feel helpless, like there's nothing you can do but be a victim to grief and sadness. While the sadness will still be there, there are still a number of things that you can choose to do to keep yourself healthy and not make the grief worse then it already is.

Here are a few more tips for surviving a break up in a healthy way:

• Love yourself. Focus on loving and taking care of yourself in the best way possible. This sort of combines engaging in self care behaviors, engaging in fun behaviors, and focusing on the positives in yourself, and it is very important. 
• Try as best as possible to forgive yourself and the other person. Sometimes things happen in relationships that cause it to fall apart. If you were the cause of the problems, do your best to not beat yourself up, but instead learn from what happened and forgive yourself. If it was the other person, holding onto bitterness will just keep you trapped in a prison of negativity. Try to embrace forgiveness as best as you can.
• Challenge & Change the cognitive distortions that can easily creep into our every day thoughts. These types of thoughts are not only irrational, but also negative and will lead to more anxiety and depression instead of allowing you to heal. Try to ensure that your thoughts are as rational as possible (click here for some helpful hints for doing this)
• Give yourself permission to take the time that you need. Grieving a relationship can take a large range of time to "get over", from a month or two to several months. Don't beat yourself up when you don't feel happy and back to normal as quickly as you might feel is appropriate. Grief takes time, so give yourself permission to grieve fully and heal in a healthy manner. 

In case you've missed any of the other posts in this series, here they are:
How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 1}
How to Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 2}
How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 3}
How To Survive A Breakup {Part 1}
How To Survive A Breakup {Part 2}
How To Survive A Breakup {Part 3}

Now it's your turn!

What makes loving ourselves so difficult (in good times and in bad)? 

Love is...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails...And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

~1 Corinthians 13

This passage has always stood out to me. What if we each loved others this way? What if we could let go of our hurried, envious, boastful, proud selves and loved others? Of course we are imperfect people living in an imperfect world, which means that we can't love others perfectly. But we can take steps in our ability to love others (and ourself!) well. 

Last year's post on Valentine's day post may be a helpful read. It discusses Love as a function of wellness. You can see it here

Now it's your turn:

Is there a characteristic of love that is easy for you? What's one of the hardest things (i.e. patience, not easily angered, etc...). Do you have any plans today.

Thankfulness Project Monday

"There is a calmness to a life lived in gratitude, a quiet joy."

-Ralph A. Blum

I'll be honest. I'm tired tonight (it's Sunday night as I type this). I've had a really busy and excitingly fun weekend, and it's worn me out. This weeks list of what I'm thankful for will be short and sweet, but it doesn't mean I'm feeling any less thankful! 

• Sleep: This week was busy and fun, but it included a lot of late nights and early mornings. I'm feeling really tired right now, and looking forward to my nights of sleep over the next couple nights. I'm thankful for sleep, and how it allows us to be a healthy, well functioning individual. 
• A time to think about love: I know some people get frustrated if they are single this time of year. You know what? It's OK! This time of the year is a great reminder to focus on those you love, and how you love them. This includes friends, family, AND YOURSELF. Although I don't love the hallmark holiday so much, I do enjoy the reminder of loving those around us. 
• The opportunity to do what I love to do: While I was originally thinking about this in terms of my job, I guess it reaches much more then that. I'm thankful for my job, as well as getting to engage in hobbies that I enjoy.
• Sports games on the weekend: FUN! It's a chance to get out and cheer and enjoy time with others. I love watching them:)
• Good food: I had quite a bit of that this weekend too. Yummm. 

Simple list, but I'm still feeling thankful today. 

Now it's your turn!

What are you feeling thankful for today? Do you catch up on sleep on the weekends, or do you usually find yourself more sleep deprived by the end of it?

Friday Favorites

Favorite Tiny Delight of the Week

Cleaning! Most of us do some amount of cleaning each week (I hope!), but sometimes it's good to do a more then average type of cleaning... you know, the type of cleaning that goes above and beyond what you usually do. The type of cleaning that involves throwing things out. The type of cleaning that involves organizing (or maybe re-organizing) things. I know, it's not quite spring yet, but who says that a little bit of spring cleaning can't come early this year? I love my house feeling a bit lighter and more put together. I guess the extra sun this weather has helped my levels of motivation? 

Favorite Quote of the Week

"The way to gain a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to be." -Socrates

Favorite Post By Someone Else

Changes in the Brain Resulting From Anorexia - This is a great post that succinctly summarizes how the brain changes, or at least some common denominators in the brain, when an individual has struggled with anorexia. It's a quick read and will help increase your understanding! Check it out! 

Favorite Past Post

Loving Myself, Loving Others- I wrote this post right about this time last year as a sort of response to some thoughts on Valentine's Day. Please check this post out and figure out some next steps towards loving yourself better! 

Favorite Search Term

• guinea pig cooking
• cognitive distortions catastrophizing 
• distortion of identity
• don't play the victim
• let's break stress

Now it's your turn!

What's one of your favorites from the week? Do you do one big "spring cleaning" each year or do you break it into sections? 

The Most Extravagant Dinner I've Ever Eaten

This post is pretty uncharacteristic for this blog, but I wanted to share it as it shows pieces of various components of the wheel of wellness, and gives an example of one evening in my life. This past weekend I went to an anniversary dinner for some family members. It was a wonderful time to celebrate the love and commitment these two individuals share for one another. This was BY FAR the most elaborate and expensive party I have ever attended in my life, and I still can't believe I experienced that evening. 

Let me paint a picture for you. I was given 4 forks with my place setting, and was given 3 more throughout the meal. There were two "cocktail hours", and 9 courses throughout the meal. A 9 COURSE MEAL! I was stuffed by the 3rd course, so I'm not quite sure how I managed to sit through 6 more courses. This food was absolutely delicious, and part way through I thought I should start taking pictures to share with you. Here are a few of them:

Twice baked potato, steak, lobster tail, and asparagus.

Dessert plate including cookies, chocolate covered strawberries, and cannoli!

A fruit tray with cactus fruit and fresh figs!

The night ended with drinking and dancing, which was a lot of fun. Because of some of the choices I've made, and because of my career, I've chosen to not share much about my life. I thought this would be a good little slice of my life to show that I do have family that I have fun with, I do like to have fun, and I enjoy good food:) 

Now it's your turn!

What's the most crazy or elaborate dinner you've ever been to? 

Wellness Wednesdays: {The Wheel of Wellness Part 2}

Welcome back to Wellness Wednesday! If you've missed the previous posts in the series, you may want to catch up on them here:
Wellness Wednesday: {An Introduction}
Wellness Wednesday: {An Introduction pt. 2}
Wellness Wednesday: {The Wheel of Wellness Part 1}

This week I'll give a little more information on the Wheel, and next week we'll jump in and start discussing the components of wellness. To give an overview of where we're heading, after that, I will be discussing steps to successful behavior change, and creating health habits.

To remind you, this is what the wheel looks like:

Source

Here's what you need to know about the Wheel:

1. The 5 main life tasks (spirituality, self direction, work & leisure, friendship, & love) are interrelated, and each has an effect on the other. The idea of the Wheel is that is explains not only the characteristics of wellness, but the nature of the relationship between these different characteristics. This is a very holistic view of the individual. 
2. Changes in one area have a direct impact on other areas. So, without realizing it, by working on one area, you may notice changes in another area!
3. Surrounding the Wheel are various global events and characteristics. We don't necessarily think that the media has an influence on our overall well being, but it does! An individual's wellness affects each of these global events (because, for example, the government is made up of a group of individuals with varying levels of wellness), and global events affect each one of us and our levels of wellness. 
4. Because the levels of wellness from others affect our own levels, we need to be cognizant of how various factors (i.e. a certain family member or TV commercial) trigger our wellness. 

Alright, that's the basics you need to know about the wheel. Start getting excited, because next week we'll start a more in-depth look at each of these areas! 

Here's some possible next steps:

-Start evaluating what around you changes your levels of wellness, either in increasing it or decreasing it?

-What are some of the triggers for you?

- How can you help to fight against these triggers to increase your levels of wellness?

What I'd like to know:

Have you ever noticed something in the community, on TV, or in your family changing your level of wellness (either good or bad)? What did you do about it?

Are there any areas of wellness that you're thinking about trying to increase?

Wellness Wednesday: {The Wheel of Wellness Pt. 1}

Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being, and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.  ~World Health Organization

Happy Wellness Wednesday! This is the 3rd week of this made up "holiday" on my blog:) If you missed the first two posts, you may want to check them out:
Wellness Wednesday: {An Introduction}
Wellness Wednesday: {An Introduction pt. 2}

As I said before, we often tend to think of health in terms of physical, mental, and spiritual. I think looking at only a few types of wellness misses the point, though. I prefer this:

The Wheel of Wellness

Source (click for full size image)

I love visuals, and I think this is an excellent way to view health. This model, created by Myers, Sweeney, & Witmer uses the idea of a Wheel to describe wellness. 

A wheel doesn't function well when a part is broken. It gets lose, wobbles, and eventually can no longer function properly. Overall wellness is important, and is made up of many smaller parts. Even if some of these parts are working well, if there's a part that's broken, that will decrease the overall wellness of the whole. 

The important thing to realize is that one area affects another area, so while physical wellness might be excellent, a lack of mental health will begin to affect the physical wellness component. That's why it's so important to work on increasing your wellness in more then just one area!

This wheel is made up of 5 life tasks with a total of 17 different components of wellness (did you think there were 17 components of wellness?!). 

The 5 Life-Tasks include:

1. Spirituality
2. Self-Regulation
3. Work & Leisure
4. Friendship
5. Love

There are 12 components under Self-Regulation (which make up the spokes on the wheel), and many of these components are what we generally think of us health. If you click on the picture above, you can see what each of these factors are. I could spend a years worth of wellness wednesdays talking about each of these factors. I promise I won't. But I am planning on talking about each of them to some extent. And obviously it can't be just one or two blog posts:) 

It's easy to look at the wheel of above, and realize how much work we each need to do in these areas, and feel completely overwhelmed! Remember that wellness is a process that is never complete! Even if we can't get to a perfect level of wellness, 60% of wellness in that area is better then 40%. Of course this type of thinking means you need to let go of the "all or nothing thinking" and embrace the shades of gray, but you'll be more successful in changing behavior if you can do this!

Here's what I'd like to know:

What do you think of the "Wheel of Wellness"?

Does it surprise you that there are so many different components of wellness?

Saying Goodbye Through Every Conversation

If you missed my latest post in my current series on grief, loss, death, and suffering (ooh...sounds less then fun, huh?), you can check it out here. I love the quote that the post is based around, so be sure to read it (at least the quote portion!).

I've experienced a number of kinds of deaths- old people, old people who are sick, young people who are sick, and young people who were perfectly healthy and fine and caught in the middle of an accident. Each brings about a different way to process grieving and death.

One thing I know I've experienced, and heard from others in the same position, is how they don't feel closure when someone dies suddenly. When someone is sick, there are a lot of good byes, final sharing of memories, taking final pictures, etc... It feels like there is some closure. However, when someone is in an accident and dies suddenly, those things don't get to happen. This can potentially make the grieving process much worse. Of course there are ways to try to find this- letter writing, reading a letter at a funeral or cemetery, or something of similar fashion. These are all good, and I would certainly encourage you to try them.

However, I'd like to share a perspective that I landed on about 5 years ago when it comes to sudden death. As we live our life with others, each interaction and conversation should be a goodbye. Think about it. When you are saying "goodbye" to someone who is very sick, you may share memories, laugh about an awkward moment, talk about how they've changed your life, discuss what they meant to you, and say "I love you." Shouldn't that be happening throughout a lot of the conversations that we have? Obviously every time I call up one of my parents or siblings I don't give them a list of ways they've changed my life. But from time to time I make sure to do that, so that, given an accident, I feel like I've said the things that are important to say. So even with an accident, if we've had a good relationship all along, we have been saying goodbye throughout our conversations.

How do you say "goodbye to others" through your conversations with them?

Thankfulness Project Monday

Blessings are oftentimes not valued till they are gone. --Thomas Fuller

I don't want to get to the end of my life, or really even the end of a month, and realize that I've let something slip by me without acknowledging it and delighting in it. Plus, of course, practicing gratitude has many health benefits as well. 

That being said, here are a few of the things I'm thankful for today:

• My Mom: My post yesterday was dedicated to my mom, and just a few of the many things I appreciate about her. You can check it out if you'd like to know why!
• The Ability To Love After Loss: I posted about this earlier this week (you can read it here). The fact that I started to shut others down after my first loss makes me feel a little sad, and I'm so thankful I was able to open my heart to loving others again. I would've missed out on a lot of joy and laughter in relationships if I hadn't been able to do this.
• Spring Flowers: I'm pretty sure I said this one sometime in the last few weeks, but it's been very much true this week, so I thought I'd post it again. I've spent a few mornings and evenings this week taking pictures of them. They smell and look beautiful, and bring joy to my heart. 

picture from earlier this week

• Time to Clean: I'm sure I've said this before, but since mid March I've been on the go and out of town quite a bit. When I'm home, I've been trying to get the essential things done, and haven't had the chance to really clean. This changed this weekend, as I spent most of Saturday cleaning and organizing!
• My Online Acquaintances and Friends: That's right! I'm thankful for each of you! I appreciate our conversations, and your posts. I learn and am encouraged every day from you, so thank you for that!

Ok- your turn! What are you thankful for today?

Choosing To Love After Loss

“The problem of choosing to love again is that the choice to love means living under the constant threat of further loss. But the problem of choosing not to love is that that the choice to turn from love means imperiling the life of the soul, for the soul thrives in an environment of love. Soul-full people love; soul-less people do not. If people want their souls to grow through loss, whatever the loss is, they must eventually decide to love even more deeply than they did before. They must respond to the loss by embracing love with renewed energy and commitment” (p. 183). 

-A Grace Disguised (Jerry Sittser)

If you've lost someone before, you may understand the fear of choosing to love (remember this point?) . After experiencing my first "really painful" death (I knew others before, but never a good friend), I seriously questioned whether or not it was ever worth it to love if it meant experiencing the screaming pain that I felt. To be honest, for a few weeks I had myself convinced that I not only needed to not love new people in life, but I also needed to pull away from my current friends. My rationale: If I don't love, I can't hurt, and I won't ever be in this position again. It took about 5 weeks of really rationalizing with myself about why I HAD to love and connect to be healthy. Since that decision, I made friends who I have since lost. And every time I experience that pain again, the thought floats through my head that loving is not worth it. 

I have learned to quiet that voice. If I hadn't loved, I wouldn't have the joy, laughter, and memories that I do. These are PRICELESS and of great worth to me, even if I have to pay the price with tears and pain. Loving after loss is scary...very, very scary. It's hard to make a choice to open yourself to pain and hurt. But in choosing the pain, we choose life, joy, happiness, and laughter. You can't have one without the other... It's part of the experience of humanity. 

Have you ever been tempted to stop loving after loss? How did you convince yourself that loving is worth it?

Also- Happy Cinco De Mayo! Any fun plans tonight? 

When It Comes to Loss, Remember... {Part 2}

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

In yesterday's post, I listed a few important things to remember when going through a loss of any kind. Here are a few more:

•       Sometimes it can be very difficult or scary to let others close to you after you’ve lost someone. That’s a normal thing to feel! However, social support is incredibly important when going through the grieving process. (It sometimes seems that it's not worth the pain to love or to hope...IT IS, even when it doesn't feel that way!)
•      Grief isn’t a purely emotional experience. Grief will affect you emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually-it will affect the entire person, not just the emotions of the person.
•       Sometimes people feel guilty or like they are discounting the grief or the love they had for the person if they laugh or have any moments of happiness. Again, this is normal for many people going through the grieving process. However, laughter doesn’t take away the love that you have for the person, or mean that you aren’t in pain. You can grieve and laugh all in the same day-that is OK and even healthy!

         Have you ever felt like any of these things when going through a loss? How do you think grief & fear are similar? 

Valentine's Recap & 3 Types of Stable Relationships

Remember a few days ago when I discussed how important it was to take care of and love yourself in order to effectively love another (see post here)? Well, before going further, I thought I'd give a little update on how I loved myself on Valentine's day. My valentine's day was definitely the most peculiar, as I spent the afternoon at a funeral. By the time, I was definitely in need of a little self love. I came home and spent a little time sending a couple emails to people close to me, and then headed off to yoga. I spent one hour in a dimmed studio with calming music, focusing on myself, my body, my movements, and my breaths. By the time that hour was over, I felt great. Then I spent the rest of the evening with a great friend, laughing and watching TV. And of course I had a little Skype date later in the evening. Overall, it was a good day, even if it was a much more abnormal. So, that's how I engaged in a little self-love:)

Yesterday I also posted a number of characteristics of love. Like I said, we all have areas of strength, and areas of improvement.
One book we had to read in grad school that I really appreciated was "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How you Can Make Yours Last" By: John Gottman (1994). 

There are 3 types of stable marriages or relationships. It's good to know what you and your significant other fall under, to understand strengths and areas you need to watch out for...

-VALIDATING: These couples are excellent at communication. The display ease and calm, and can listen to and understand the other point of view and emotions. They go through 3 phases: Listen & air opinions, attempt to persuade each other, and negotiate a compromise. 
   ---Characteristics: Good friends who value “we-ness”, highly value communication and verbal openness, value displays of affection and being in love. 
   ---Risks: May become passionless, romance & selfhood are sacrificed for friendship & togetherness, forgo personal development, can become enmeshed

-VOLATILE: These couples bicker and are competitive, with high levels of engagement. They fight on a grand scale and have an even grander time making up. There are only 2 phases with this couple, because they skip the validation stage: Persuasion, resolving. 
   ---Characteristics: warm & loving, passion fuels positive interactions, masters at making up, see selves as equal, more likely to interrupt each other, he’s nurturing/she’s expressive. 
   ---Pitfalls: quarrelling can consume marriage, violence in extreme cases, use of humor can hurt the partner’s feelings, they censor very few thoughts. 

-AVOIDANT: make light of their differences rather than resolving them. They conspire to “dodge and hedge” and “agree to disagree.” Instead of resolving conflicts, they reaffirm what they love and value in the marriage, accentuate the positive, & accept the rest. 
  ---Characteristics: Usually very easy to get along with. 
   ---Risks: Don’t address conflict, negativity can overwhelm interactions, become lonely, they don’t really know each other. 


What'd you do for Valentine's Day? How did you love yourself?

Characteristics of Love

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails...And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

~1 Corinthians 13

Love endures whatever comes its way...wow. Sounds like a really fabulous form of love, doesn't it? (look at love from a wellness perspective here). This is the perfect, most healthy, most pure form of love we can ever have, and ever give.

Can I be honest about something for a minute? I don't really give this sort of love to others. I may be stronger in some areas then in others, but, because I'm not perfect, I cannot love perfectly. However, it doesn't mean we are doomed! We can still grow and work on how we give love to ourselves and to others. Just as in other areas of wellness, love involves intentionally and actively working on it in order to be truly "healthy." 

Question: What parts of love are you good at giving? How can you work on developing some of the other parts of love? 

Valentine's Day Love

"Now these three remain: Faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love" 

-The Bible (1 Corinthians 13)

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
- Martin Luther King, Jr

"Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and a richness to life that nothing else can bring."
-Oscar Wilde

Happy Valentine's Day! I have to be honest, i don't hate Valentine's day, but I don't love it either. I'm not a huge fan of the commercialization of it, but I like the idea of intentionally going to those around us, and expressing our love and thanks to them. Of course this should happen more then once a year, though! 

In yesterday's post, I talked about how we cannot truly love and serve another person without loving ourselves first. If we can't love ourself, we have nothing to give to another. Without loving ourself, we will burn out. Although it's difficult to take time for ourselves in the midst of a busy day, it must be intentionally done in order to stay healthy. 

Myers, Sweeney, and Witmer, in their Wheel of Wellness model (do you remember this post on wellness from a few months ago?), set "love" as one of the 5 life tasks. This is how they describe the Love aspect of Wellness: "Concern for the life and growth of that which is loved; having faith that one’s well-being will be respected; reciprocating by respecting the well-being of another (i.e. trust); ability to be intimate, trusting, self-disclosing with another person; ability to receive as well as express affection with a significant other; capacity to experience or convey non-possessive caring that respects the uniqueness of another; presence of enduring, stable intimate relationship(s); recognition that others have concern for one’s growth; physical satisfaction with sexual life/needs for touch are being met." 

My questions for You:

So, how do you think you are doing health wise in the aspect of Love? What do you need to do to increase your levels of wellness in this area? How do you plan on loving yourself today? How do you plan to show love to others around you?

I would also love to know What your plans for Valentine's day are!