How To Survive A Break Up {Part 5}

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. "

-Alexander Graham Bell

This will be my last post (for now) on how to survive a break up. Throughout 5 different posts I've provided 20 different things you can do to keep yourself healthy when you're going through a break up or loss in your life. I hope you find them helpful, or will pass them along to others who are going through this difficult time as well.

Alright. Let's get on with the last 4 things you can do to survive a breakup in a healthy manner:

• Evaluate your relationship and yourself in that relationship. What went well in the relationship, and what would you like to see done differently in your next relationship? Maybe you need to work on communicating your needs clearly, or maybe you need to increase your self-esteem. Use this time that you aren’t in a relationship to become as healthy as you can be so that you go into your next relationship as a healthy individual. 
• Change your schedule or your daily routes to avoid your ex or places that were important in your relationship. If you know your ex goes to the same coffee shop that you do at 8 am every morning, then avoid that time (or even that shop) so you don't run into him. If a park is a constant reminder of your relationship, it is ok to change your route for a few weeks so you don't add more pain into your life. 
• Remind yourself of the positives in your future. It's easy to feel like your life is over and your future is dull because of the breakup. Remind yourself of the positives that will come in the future (graduating from college, dreams of your ideal job, a running race, etc...). Remind yourself that life isn't over because of the break up, and you will be happy once again. 
• Find a therapist or pastor to talk to. If you feel like some self-evaluation might be helpful, or if you are feeling depressed or suicidal, it would be helpful to contact a therapist or pastor to be a listening ear or provide some guidance. Therapy isn't just for "crazy" or "messed up" people. It can be beneficial for all people, regardless of how severe your problem is. Feeling sad from a break up is a great reason to see a counselor for a few sessions! 

Well, there you go! I want to again remind you that it is normal to be upset, angry, hurt, confused, _____ (fill in the blank) for weeks to months after, so give yourself the freedom to heal over time. You can't always control what's going on around you, but you can control how you react to it. You do have power, even when the situation seems powerless. 

Here are the other posts in this series in case you missed them!

How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 1}
How to Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 2}
How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 3}
How To Survive A Breakup {Part 1}
How To Survive A Breakup {Part 2}
How To Survive A Breakup {Part 3}
How To Survive A Breakup {Part 4}

Now it's your turn!

Looking back at all 20 steps for surviving a breakup, which seem the most "do-able" or helpful to you? What's something that has been more detrimental then helpful that you've done after a breakup? 

How To Survive A Break Up {Part 4}

"People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what is bitter and move on."

-Bill Cosby

When going through a break up, it's easy to feel helpless, like there's nothing you can do but be a victim to grief and sadness. While the sadness will still be there, there are still a number of things that you can choose to do to keep yourself healthy and not make the grief worse then it already is.

Here are a few more tips for surviving a break up in a healthy way:

• Love yourself. Focus on loving and taking care of yourself in the best way possible. This sort of combines engaging in self care behaviors, engaging in fun behaviors, and focusing on the positives in yourself, and it is very important. 
• Try as best as possible to forgive yourself and the other person. Sometimes things happen in relationships that cause it to fall apart. If you were the cause of the problems, do your best to not beat yourself up, but instead learn from what happened and forgive yourself. If it was the other person, holding onto bitterness will just keep you trapped in a prison of negativity. Try to embrace forgiveness as best as you can.
• Challenge & Change the cognitive distortions that can easily creep into our every day thoughts. These types of thoughts are not only irrational, but also negative and will lead to more anxiety and depression instead of allowing you to heal. Try to ensure that your thoughts are as rational as possible (click here for some helpful hints for doing this)
• Give yourself permission to take the time that you need. Grieving a relationship can take a large range of time to "get over", from a month or two to several months. Don't beat yourself up when you don't feel happy and back to normal as quickly as you might feel is appropriate. Grief takes time, so give yourself permission to grieve fully and heal in a healthy manner. 

In case you've missed any of the other posts in this series, here they are:
How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 1}
How to Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 2}
How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 3}
How To Survive A Breakup {Part 1}
How To Survive A Breakup {Part 2}
How To Survive A Breakup {Part 3}

Now it's your turn!

What makes loving ourselves so difficult (in good times and in bad)? 

How To Survive A Break Up {Part 3}

"No one told me that grief felt so like fear...at other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. "

-C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed, p. 3

Welcome back to another edition of how to survive a breakup in a healthy way that will allow you to become a healthier individual in the future.

Here are a few more tips to survive the breakup in a healthy manner:

• Focus on getting through today, not the next week or month. 12 step programs focus on staying sober "just for today", because thinking about going without their "drug of choice" forever is overwhelming. We can do anything for today. Instead of being miserable that you'll be without this person for forever, can you focus on surviving and grieving in a healthy way "just for today"?
• Continue to engage in healthy behaviors as much as you can. It can be incredibly difficult to maintain a healthy lifestyle while you're grieving, but it will help you stay healthy and grieve in an effective way if you can manage. Maintaining a consistent daily schedule is important. Continue to eat balanced meals, exercise as best you can, sleep 7-8 hours a day, etc... 
• Find fun activities to distract yourself, or pick up a new hobby. Sign up for a cooking or sewing class, or perhaps sign up for a few sessions of personal training in order to better learn a new type of exercise. Go out for a fun girls or guys weekend away or have a "staycation" at a friend's house.
• Make sure to not create negative messages about yourself. It can be pretty easy to internalize messages like "I'm not good enough", "I'm unloveable", or "I don't have any attractive qualities". Believing these messages will keep you depressed and won't allow you to grieve in healthy ways. Focus on the positive attributes and skills you have, and combat your negative thoughts when they come up. 

In case you missed them, here are the other posts in this series:

How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 1}

How to Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 2}

How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 3} 

How To Survive A Breakup {Part 1}

How To Survive A Breakup {Part 2}

Now it's your turn!

What are some of the fun activities you use to distract yourself when you're stressed or going through a tough time? 

How To Survive A Breakup {Part 2}

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

-Winston Churchil 

Today I'll be continuing my post on surviving a breakup. Breakups can be incredibly painful and overwhelming, and while you might not have actually had any say over the break up, you do have the choice of how you deal with it.
Here are a few more tips on surviving and grieving in a healthy way:

• Allow yourself to feel whatever emotion comes in the moment. It’s OK to cry or to feel devastated. If you feel happy in the moment, allow yourself to feel happy while knowing that this doesn’t negate your pain. Allowing the emotions to come and go as they want helps.
• Put healthy boundaries in place. If you are feeling attacked by your ex or his/her friends, remind yourself that you don't have to put up with it. Refuse to pick up the phone, walk away if you happen to run into them, etc... Do what you need to do in order to put distance between the two of you. (for some basic info on boundaries, click here)
• Engage in healthy coping skills. In times of distress, we tend to use whatever we know works in order to cope. However, using unhealthy coping skills (i.e. food, alcohol, sex) will only create more problems instead of less. Implementing healthy coping skills is crucial in going through a break up or any sort of grief.
• Help others help you. Others around you will want to do what they can to help make this time easier for you, but often feel awkward asking what they can do. Tell others what you need and what you would appreciate (i.e. a home cooked meal, a weekend away, a listening ear). You'll get what you need by being open and honest with others.

Remember to keep checking back for future posts in this series. Here are some of the past posts in this series:

How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 1}

How to Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 2}

How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 3}

How To Survive A Breakup {Part 1}

Now it's your turn!
What's difficult about giving ourselves permission to feel whatever emotion we feel in the moment (another way of looking at it: Why is it difficult to allow ourselves to feel sad or happy while going through a break up)? 

How To Survive A Breakup {Part 1}

"Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself."

-Deborah Reber

Today I am continuing my series on breakups, but this time I'm looking at it from the angle of the person going through the break up. Going through a break up is hard. In many ways, it can feel like a wrecking ball has smacked into you, tore you to pieces, and it is now left to you to put yourself back together again. Break ups can feel like you're grieving the death of someone, and essentially you are grieving the loss of a relationship. We can't do anything to make that grief magically vanish, but there are things you can do to grieve in healthy ways. Perhaps you felt like the break up came out of nowhere, and now feel powerless and hopeless. You still have power! You have the power to choose how you will grieve, and if you will choose a healthy or unhealthy route. Over the next few posts, I will be discussing some ways you can survive a breakup in a healthy way.

•    Disconnect from your ex. Sometimes people try to jump into being friends with their ex almost immediately. Most of the time, this just complicates the grieving process and keeps you too connected to your ex. To grieve and move forward, it’s important to disconnect and put a distance between you and your ex. Maybe you can be friends at some point, but most of this time this doesn’t work right away. Another part of disconnecting is hiding the person from your facebook feed (you don't need to see constant updates), and forcing yourself to stop reading and re-reading texts and emails. Dwelling will only hurt you. 
• Don’t jump too quickly into a new relationship. While it can help fill the gap where your ex once was, it really doesn’t help the grieving process. You need a chance to heal and be ok with yourself once again before you can make room for a healthy relationship. 
• Don’t isolate. Some alone time can be healthy, but isolate tends to fuel depression. Isolation also gives you the space to ruminate on and dwell on the break up and your pain. 
•   Create a strong support network full of people you trust. Don’t keep critical or non-understanding people in your closest ring of support. Choose people who can listen without giving advice, and who will be ok being a shoulder to cry on when you need. Rely on these people as a source of comfort.

Check back for more posts in this series. Previous posts from this series include:

• How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 1}
• How to Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 2}
• How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 3}

Now it's your turn!

What do you feel is the hardest part of going through a breakup? 

How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup... {Part 3}

This post is a continuation of my series on "how to help a friend or loved one through a break up". Here are the previous posts in this series:

• How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 1}
• How to Help A Friend Through A Breakup {Part 2}

Again, it's important to remember that as friends and family of someone who is hurting while going through a break up, we can't fix the broken heart, but we can support, encourage, and love the hurting individual. 

• Get your friend out of the house. This is similar to "distracting your friend", although distracting can be done inside your friends residence as well. Getting your friend away, maybe for a fun weekend get away, can be incredibly helpful (and fun!). 
• Invite a friend for dinner, or cook dinner and take it over to your friend's house. Sometimes when a break up happens life becomes overwhelming, and it's easy to stop taking care of yourself. By cooking a healthy, balanced meal for your friend, it will allow them to get the nutrients they need to stay healthy. 
• Don't talk badly about your friend's ex. Maybe your friend's boyfriend was a cheating jerk of a guy. Be careful not to say hateful things about him, because if she gets back together with him, that will just be awkward and uncomfortable with everyone involved. Remember that once words are said you can't take them back. While you can affirm that he didn't treat her properly, be careful about how harsh you are. 
• Be a shoulder to cry on, even if it is 6 months post-break up. It can be uncomfortable to deal with someone crying, and we sometimes get caught up in knowing the "right" thing to say. However, simply being present with your friend or loved one and being a shoulder to cry on can say more than your words every could. 

If you are a friend or family member of someone going through a break up, please recognize that you are not powerless in this situation. There are healthy things that you can do to try to help and encourage your loved on as she or he walks the path of grieving. 

Now it's your turn!

What do you do to help others when they are going through a loss or break up? What are some great ways to distract a friend or get them out of the house? 

Thankfulness Project Monday

"As each day comes to us refreshed and anew, so does my gratitude renew itself daily. The breaking of the sun over the horizon is my grateful heart dawning upon a blessed world. "

-Adabella Radici

Happy March! I can't believe how quickly the winter flew by, and am excited that spring is on the horizon (and that longer evenings of light start next weekend)! I chose the above quote today because I thought the image of the sun over the horizon being like the heart bursting forth with gratitude at the start of the day was beautiful. With that said, here are some of the things I'm thankful for this week:

• The chance to catch up on some sleep. This past week was a pretty busy one for me, and while I still got a decent amount of sleep, it wasn't quite as much as I needed. I'm thankful that the lighter schedule of the weekend allows for a few extra hours of sleep.
• Spring is on the horizon! I'm not a big fan of winter, so the fact that spring is coming quickly makes me very excited. 
• Days full of sunshine. I know I've included this a few times in recent lists, but I have tried to not take a single moment of sunshine for granted throughout these winter months. We definitely had a few days of sunshine here this past week, and I'm thankful for that. 
• funny pictures that have been pinned on pinterest. This is a pretty shallow thing to be thankful for, but having a good laugh over something is definitely something that I'm thankful for in my life.
• There are things we can do to support others through a breakup. I'm thankful that, while we don't have control of the other person or the ability to fix a broken heart, there are things we can do to help encourage and support (here's an example of things you can do to support). 

Those are a few little things I'm thankful for on this monday morning. 

Now it's your turn!

What're you feeling thankful for today? What's your favorite thing about the weekends? 

How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup... {Part 2}

A few days ago, I did my first post in the series of "how to help a friend through a breakup". In it, I discussed four things that you can do when someone you love is struggling through a breakup and grieving the loss of that relationship. Today, I will continue with a few other things that you can do to help:

•   Be an encouragement. Going through a breakup, it’s easy for individuals to take on many negative messages about themselves. Encourage the individual with the qualities that you enjoy or appreciate in them. While they may be receiving negative messages from their ex or themselves, they need to hear positive messages around them. (examples of negative messages might include some of the following: "I'm worthless", "I'm unloveable", or "there's something fundamentally flawed with me).
• Encourage your loved one to engage in healthy coping skills. Negative coping skills, while they work in the moment, tend to create more anxiety or depression in the long run, and they don’t actually help heal their heart. Try to encourage your friend or family member to try out some of these healthy coping skills.
• Help distract the individual in healthy ways. Things that may be helpful include: taking a walk, going hiking, going fishing, going to a movie, watching a sport game, take a cooking class, or some other activity that the individual usually enjoys.
• Encourage healthy behaviors. Eat regular & balanced meals, exercise regularly, sleep well, find ways to reduce stress, etc… Staying healthy will help the individual to heal faster than if they become unhealthy instead. 

Remember that you can't FORCE your friend to engage in healthy behaviors or coping skills, but you can model healthy behaviors and coping, and you can encourage them to try some of them out. Be careful how hard you push, however, because many people are stubborn and will push back. 

Now it's your turn!

What are some healthy ways that you like to distract yourself? When you're upset or hurting, what's the first health behavior you let go of? How do you encourage those around you who are hurting? 

How To Help A Friend Through A Breakup... {Part 1}

Breakups can be tough, not only for the person, but for that individual's friends and family. Not only might you also be grieving the loss of that person to some extent (i.e.- now you have to "pick sides", or perhaps a siblings significant other had been in your life for many years as well), but you might feel somewhat out of control. You cannot fix your loved ones broken heart, and you can’t make things “ok” for them. However, you can be a great source and love and support for that individual.

It’s important to remember that going through a break up can be an intense time of grieving for the individual. The individual has lost someone important to them, as well as losing their future with that person. It takes time to process the relationship and grieve it.

Here are a few important steps that you can take to help:

•  Remember that you can’t be the one to fix the broken heart. Only time and the things that the individual does or doesn’t do can heal it. If you try too hard to fix it, you’ll likely frustrate the individual and make them more annoyed and agitated.
• Be patient and understanding. After a few weeks, and can get frustrating to hear the same complaints from the individual. Perhaps we might feel that things aren’t getting better quickly enough. Helping to normalize that this is a process that takes time can be very helpful to the individual. Don’t try to shame or guilt them into “getting back to normal”.
•   Be a safe place for the individual to talk and process. It’s healthy for the individual to communicate their feelings and needs to those they feel are safe. Listening in a non-judgmental way is incredibly important. Ask if the individual would like advice before you give it. If the individual feels that you’re always ready with a simple answer to their problems, they may not feel that you are a safe person to disclose information to.
• Avoid cliché phrases. Statements like “you’re better off”, “there are other people out there for you”, “your ex was a loser”, “everything happens for a reason”, and other similar phrases are more hurtful than helpful.
   

This post is part of a larger series on surviving a breakup. Check in throughout the next few weeks for more posts on the topic!

Now it's your turn!

What was the best or worst thing that someone said to you when you were going through a breakup? Has a breakup ever been hard on you when you weren't one of the two primary parties involved?