Courage & Willingness

It's Quote Week here on my blog, so make sure to check out earlier posts this week if you've missed any of them. Here's the quote for today:

"Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success."

-Alonzo Newton Benn

Success. We strive for it, and we can easily become a slave to it. Success isn't bad, but when we allow it to become our master, it can get unhealthy. However, I know it's also easy to feel like we aren't successful at the things that we want to be successful at. Sometimes, when it comes to success we forget that it involves a "willingness to keep everlasting at it". We try for a week, a few months, maybe a year, but it's really hard to keep at it if we don't see the results that we were hoping for. Sometimes, to be successful, we not only need the courage to start (it's scary to try something new!), but we don't the willingness to keep going at it, even when it seems impossible.

Do you have the courage & willingness needed to be successful at those things in which you want to be successful?

Friday Favorites

Favorite Tiny Delight of the Week

Stretching! Do you regularly stretch? Flexibility has been shown to provide multiple health benefits, both short term and long term. A regular stretching practice can be an incredibly important part of your week! For me, not only is it a healthy behavior that I engage in, but while I stretch I choose to focus on my breath. I slow my thoughts and my breathing, and focus in on the present. This becomes a very stress reliving activity for me, but mentally and physically. 

Favorite Quote of the Week

"Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success." - Alonzo Newton Benn

It's easy to quit and define ourselves as a "failure" when things don't work out after one or two times of trying. This quote landed in my inbox earlier this week, and I thought I'd share today!

Favorite Post By Someone Else

Things Blogging Has Taught Me by the Lean Green Bean. I actually just started reading her blog this past week, and this is one of the first blogs that I read from her! I loved it and thought I'd pass it along to each of you. I hope you enjoy:)

Favorite Past Post

Success or Failure? - Most of us feel like a failure at some point in our lives. This post addresses the feelings of failure that we have, and suggests some steps for wrestling through our definitions of failure in life. 

Favorite Search Term

• how does perfectionism develop
• playing the victim
• sense of control in life
• don't try to live someone else's life
• a loved one has ocd

Now it's your turn:

What are some of your favorites for the week? Do you easily define yourself or your behaviors as a "failure"? Do you regularly stretch? 

Motivation for Change

If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else.  ~Lawrence J. Peter

Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes.  ~Author Unknown

Over the past few weeks I've addressed a number of aspects of behavior change that people tend to skip over on their way to attempting to change something in their life. Here are the previous posts in this series:

• Track Your Behavior Before You Change It
• A Few Considerations Before Changing Behavior
• Establishing Mini-Steps to Attain Your Dreams

Before you start to change behavior, it's good to know why you'd like to change your behavior. The fact of the matter is that behavior change can be a difficult, long, hard, tedious process. There needs to be something we hold on to that will continue to motivate us forward when we want to give up (and for most of us, that time will come at some point). As you think about your dreams and what you'd like to achieve through behavior change, I'm wondering if you know what is motivating yourself forward. This "what" and "why" will help keep you going when the voice inside tells you to give up, that it isn't worth the time, energy, or work involved. 

Once you figure out what that motivation will be, write it down somewhere and read it regularly. A bathroom mirror or refrigerator are both good places to put motivations, as we tend to look at those places many times a day. The more we repeat something, the more it becomes an automatic thought. Because thoughts lead to our feelings and our behaviors, we need to get our thoughts right before we move forward. 

Let's look at a few examples:

Goal: Get healthy by working out 3 days a week (2 days running, 1 day biking)

Motivation: I'm choosing to exercise and get healthy because I desire to __________. (fill in the blank could be anything like the following: be an active grandparent one day, live a long, healthy life, feel better and stronger about myself).

Goal:  Correct my distorted thoughts and change these to rational thinking patterns

Motivation: I'm choosing to do the hard work of learning to challenge and change my distorted thinking patters because I want to ______. (fill in the blank. i.e. decrease the depressed or anxious feelings I experience, be a good role model to my children, be happier each day). 

See what I mean? This step, combined with the steps listed above, will start to set you up in the best way possible for being successful at your behavior change. 

We each do what we do for a specific reason. It's helpful to find out what the reason is that we engage in our current behavior, and create a new motivation for our new behavior. 

Now it's your turn:

What are some of your "motivations" for the year?

Establishing Mini-Steps to Attain Your Dreams

We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance.  ~Harrison Ford

I know that January is a natural time for people to make changes (If you don't feel ready to change something, please don't cave into the pressure though! It is better to make changes once you are prepared.), so I want to make sure to do a few posts to help you go into the behavior change with the greatest possibility of success!

Previous information about behavior change includes:

• Tracking Your Behavior Before You Change It
• A Few Considerations Before Changing Behavior

Today, let's talk about dreaming. Sometimes we fear our dreams, or feel that we have to edit them before we can say them aloud. Dreaming is good, and can lead to fantastic changes in our lives. However, I don't think it's enough to just stop at saying the dream. The dream is the end goal, but there's a lot of steps in life that get us to the end goal. It's important to set mini goals to get us to our dreams.

Here's an example:

Dream: Getting published

Mini-Goals: 

• Create list of places to be published
• Complete research on topic (could create mini-steps for this)
• Network with people in _______ field

Dream: Increase My Self Esteem

Mini-goals:

• Determine what is holding down my self-esteem
• Create list of negative self-talk & negative beliefs about self
• Engage in a practice of challenging & changing cognitive distortions
• Implement a practice of daily affirmations

Of course you'd need to determine what mini-goals would work for you, and brainstorming is certainly an important step in this process. Dreaming is GOOD, and we shouldn't be afraid of it! Don't just stop at your dream, but establish a plan to get yourself to that dream. You CAN do it, but it may take some time and hard work, so be patient!

Now it's your turn:

What are your dreams for 2012? 

Track Behavior Before You Change It!

January 1st, the New Year, the start of finally "getting healthy"... yup, that's right. It's time for New Years Resolutions or Goals. First of all, it is OK to not create a new goal for yourself for the year, and it is also ok to not create one until say, February or March. Setting goals is a healthy thing, no matter what time of the year it is!

 However, New Years Resolutions have become notorious for being "a joke"; they are something we tend to make but not actually follow through on in our life. So, before we get any closer to New Years, and you all creating some new goals for your life, I thought I would begin to discuss how to set yourself up for the greatest amount of success in meeting your behavior change goals.

Part of the reason why New Years Resolutions tend to not be followed through on is because the entire "behavior change process" isn't done in a successful manner. Have you ever heard the phrase "you can't change what you don't know"? (If you haven't, well, I guess you just did) That phrase really describes the entire behavior change process. People tend to just jump into behavior change without knowing how that behavior currently plays out in their life.

Here are a few steps to do BEFORE changing your behavior that will set you up for the greatest chance at success:

1. Decide What Behavior You'd Like To Change: Obviously you'll need to choose a behavior or two that you would like to change. Make sure to not set too many, as it is easy to feel overwhelmed about the entire thing and quit.
2. Track Your Current Behavior to Learn How It Plays Out In Life: That's right, I said track the behavior. Figure out what excuses you're making, what makes you less likely/more likely to engage in said behavior you'd like to change, and figure out what times of the day/situations/people won't aid this change. We engage in behaviors for a specific reason, and there is some benefit we get out of maintaining our present behavior. Figure out what that reason is! We need to know what our excuses are and what things make it difficult to be successful at that behavior change. Here's an example- I found myself eating a lot of unhealthy snacks when I got home from work while unwinding and cooking dinner. By the time I sat down for dinner, I wasn't all that hungry for the healthy stuff, and I felt frustrated by my lack of health. Because I took time to track behavior, I figured out that if I cut up veggies on Sunday nights, I would have a super easy and convenient healthy snack for myself. Tracking behavior is a crucial component for healthy behavior change, and it's often a step that people tend to skip. 
3. Read Up and Educate Yourself On Your Desired Behavior Goal: If you want to start exercising, then look at the various exercise classes at a local gym to see if any interest you. Read up on various exercises and recommendations online. If you want to start eating healthy, look into some various meal plans and/or some healthy new foods and recipes to add into your meals. Spend some time getting to know what your behavior looks like as a "healthy behavior."
4. DO NOT CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR YET. I know, I know. It's frustrating. Please be patient and track your behavior for a week or two and really get to know it. You'll most likely be MUCH more successful in the long run, and come into the behavior change experience feeling less frustrated and more prepared. 

So, over the next few weeks as you are itching to change your behavior, why not take some time to be proactive about your goals and set yourself up for the greatest amount of success possible? It's certainly not going to harm you...right? So give it a shot!

Now it's your turn:
Do you set goals for yourself for the New Year? If so, have you started to think about what behaviors you'd like to change or add into your life? 

Friday Favorites

Favorite Tiny Delight of the Week

This week one of my favorite "little delights" has been watching Christmas movies with friends. I know I've mentioned Christmas movies a few times in recent posts, but since I've tried to watch a Christmas movie every day, I'd say it's a pretty big part of my weeks. After work and exercise, I get together with friends and watch a Christmas movie with Christmas tree lights on, drinking Christmas tea, and with scented candles. The entire thing is so incredibly relaxing and enjoyable, and a great way to slow down during a busy time of the year. 

Favorite Quote of the Week

The one resolution, which was in my mind long before it took the form of a resolution, 

is the key-note of my life.  It is this, always to
regard as mere impertinences of fate the handicaps which were placed
upon my life almost at the beginning.  I resolved that they should
not crush or dwarf my soul, but rather be made to  blossom, like
Aaron's rod,  with flowers.
-- Helen Keller

Helen Keller has always been an inspiration to me in regards to joy and utter perseverance despite some incredibly difficult circumstances. This is an amazing perspective to have. 

Favorite Post By Someone Else

Get Healthy, Starting NOW! Heater @ Running With Sass, along with the other FitFluential Ambassadors, posted some of her great tips for getting healthy NOW. There's no reason to wait until after the Holiday season is over to make steps towards health. Check out her post for a few little things you can do throughout this season! 

Favorite Past Post

Learning to Fail Better - One common theme I see in my clients and friends is this idea of letting failure (or a perception of failure) define you. 

Favorite Search Term

• woman walking on clouds
• types of wellness
• military gratitude
• love ocd
• what medications are used for awareness

Now it's your turn!

What have been some of your own "favorites" for the week? Do you have a favorite Christmas movie?

Friday Favorites

Favorite Tiny Delight of the Week

This week one of my favorite "little delights" has been hot chocolate. Due to lactose intolerance, I had to give it up for awhile. Last year I figured out how to make my own lactose free hot chocolate mix, and I am now happily back to drinking it once again! Sometimes I drink it plain, but this week I've done things to add a little extra "zing" to it, like putting a peppermint in it, or a raspberry tea bag! It definitely adds a little happiness to my afternoons!

Favorite Quote of the Week

Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.  ~Henry Ford

Favorite Post By Someone Else

Put Away the Turkey; Bring Out The Candy Canes! Heather at With A Side of Sneakers posted a mouthwatering recipe for cookies on her blog a few days ago, and I immediately "starred" it in my google reader as a must try Christmas treat. While you're on her page, make sure to check out her "tiny sneakers" link to read about her pregnancy!

Favorite Past Post

Choosing to Love After Loss - I did an entire series on Grieving back in April and May of 2011. Loving after loss (whether it's a death, a break up, or some other type of loss) can be difficult, terrifying, or seem "not worth it". Choosing to love again can be difficult, but is necessary and healthy. 

Favorite Search Term

• introduction thanksgiving
• let's break up (i wonder if the person who searched for this was disappointed when this post had to do with stress, and not leaving a relationship?)
• challenging cognitive distortions
• what to do if you have a bad monday (this post has some tips for dealing with a bad day)
• you may be healthy today and unhealthy tomorrow. Why. 

I hope you each have a great weekend! I know things get hectic during the Christmas season, so make sure to take some time to engage in self care and healthy behaviors. Get rid of the unnecessary stress and try to enjoy the activities! 

Now it's your turn:

What are you looking forward to this weekend? What's one of your "favorites" this week? 

Are You A Champion?

"A champion is someone who gets up when he can't."

-Jack Dempsey

Most of us out there would love to be considered a champion for something we've done or accomplished. The fact of the matter is, however, that most of us will not be handed the title of "champion" by others. But even if you don't win the SuperBowl, get a gold medal, or come first in a marathon, you can still be a champion!

How many times in life do we hit the brick wall, feeling like we can't move forward? Whether it's at work, school, household chores, or in a personal relationship, we have those moments where we feel we can't move forward. Do you remember my post on being a Success or Failure? (if not, you may want to check it out!) While we may give up for a little bit, or feel like we've failed, when we stand up and keep fighting to go forward, that's where success is. THAT is a CHAMPION. I think we all need to be challenged on our ideas of success or failure, which is why I wrote the blog post that I linked above. It's a good reminder to keep moving forward in life. 

What I'd like to know:

Do you consider yourself a success or a failure? 

Have you ever felt like you can't get up? How did you motivate yourself to continue to fight?

Perfectionism & The Distortion of Identity

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”

-Anna Quindlen

I've always been surprised at how tightly perfectionism and identity/self-esteem are tied together. When a Client says they struggle in one area, I automatically ask about the other area as well. Most of the time, I'm spot on (and they seem to be surprised at the quick connections I make) and they do, indeed, struggle with both. I get it because at one point I was there myself. In high school I had extremely rigid, perfectionistic standards for myself, yet I felt terrible about myself. It was as I began to challenge and loosen these standards and rules for my life that the distorted mirror I saw myself in began to become more and more clear. It was through this that I began to figure myself out, and feel good about the person I was (and am). 

Perfectionism isn't realistic, and it distorts the way we see the world (remember yesterday's post on black/white thinking about how we need shades of gray to see the entire picture). It distorts our needs & wants, our identity, our self-statements and beliefs, and our relationships. All of this combined leads to a distortion of how we live within the world, and how we feel about ourselves as we go about daily life. Perfectionism tends to say that I am a failure (unless I'm 100% perfect in everything then I'm a failure), and when we are constantly "failing" we will obviously feel really bad about ourselves. This type of thinking is detrimental to us, and quite honestly, not fair to ourselves either. 

I found a website that listed some reasons that perfectionism lowers self-esteem:

1. Fear of failure is among of the reasons for perfectionism. Often times, perfectionists blame their failures to lack of personal worth.
2. Another reason is being afraid to make mistakes. For perfectionists, mistakes and failure are the same. They miss opportunities to learn and grow by living their lives avoiding mistakes.
3. Fear of rejection is a one of the most common reasons. Perfectionists are often afraid that if other people see their flaws, they will be rejected.
4. Rigid Rules. Perfectionists live with rigid rules structured by a never-ending list of “should”.

If you do just one thing for yourself this week, give yourself a break and try to start identifying how perfection & your identity are tied together. Be fair to yourself and loosen the grip you have on perfectionism.

*you can find the rest of my series on perfectionism here.

What I'd like to know:

Did you do anything fun this weekend? Any steps to furthering your health and wellness? Have you seen perfectionism distort your self-esteem or identity?

Hello, I'm ____ and I'm A Perfectionist...

Perfection, fortunately, is not the only alternative to mediocrity. A more sensible alternative is excellence. Striving for excellence is stimulating and rewarding; striving for perfection--in practically anything--is both neurotic and futile.

-Edwin Bliss

The pursuit of perfection often impedes improvement.

-George Will

"Hi, I'm ____, and I'm a perfectionist." How many of us could put our name on the line? I'll admit it-I'm a recovering perfectionist. I've spent many years challenging the thinking, expectations, and standards that kept me trapped in the perfectionist struggle for years. Another thing I'll admit-I'm NOT perfect (*gasp*) at staying away from perfectionist standards 100% of the time. That's right. I'm not perfect at not trying to be a perfectionist.

Before we can start to challenge and change some of the beliefs and expectations behind perfectionism, I think it's important to understand what is involved in this process.  So, how about a little education & discussion on perfectionism, and then moving on to the challenge (you all know how much I love challenging our automatic thoughts!)?

1. Perfectionists CAN be Procrastinators. This seems like the opposite would be true. For example, the idea that perfectionists finish everything way before they need to have it done. This may certainly be the case, but perfectionists can also be procrastinators (and people who define themselves as a procrastinator may, without realizing it, be a perfectionist!). With perfectionism there is such a fear of failure (of not meeting the unrealistic expectations that have been set), and this fear becomes paralyzing.
2. Perfectionism is a Losing Game! No matter how hard you try, you won't be perfect. Realistically, we can say that. We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. However, we trap ourselves in a series of lies that tell us that if we only do x,y,and z, we will be perfect. And within the "rules" of perfectionism game, unless we are perfect, we are a failure. Therefore, perfectionism is a losing game (even if we can occasionally delude ourselves into believing that we can win at the game).
3. More then likely, you will actually be more successful if you strive for doing well instead of strive to be perfect. We tend to believe the myth that if we release our tight grip on our standards and strict rules for living, that we will quickly slide back into being unsuccessful, getting bad grades, or failing at our relationships. However, when we can let go of some of that fear and control, we tend to stay motivated in a healthy way, and can engage more fully in what we're doing (both work AND in relationships!).

So, my perfectionism says that I want to be incredibly thorough in giving information. However, I know that I tend to start skimming long posts instead of actually reading and thinking about them, and I want to watch a little TV on this Friday night. So, I will keep this post as is, and continue the discussion of perfectionism tomorrow:)

*you can find the rest of my series on perfectionism here.

Here's what I'd like to know from you:
Do you struggle with perfectionism? What are some of the unrealistic beliefs about perfectionism that you have seen or experienced?And finally: Any fun plans for the weekend?

Learning to Fail Better...

" 'Failing Better' boils down to controlling our emotions, adjusting our thinking, and re-calibrating our beliefs."

-Psychology Today, 2009

I've gotten a lot of great feedback (both in comments section of the blog and on twitter) on my post on Success and Failure. Ironically, tonight I was going through old magazines that have stacked up in my room, and I found an article from the June 2009 Psychology Today magazine entitled "Weathering the Storm." After skimming the article, I was again reminded of something crucial in regards to failure:
It gives us the opportunity to stop, reevaluate, and try again.

Oftentimes, when we fail, we want to give up, or we half-heartedly try again. However, we so easily forget that when we fail, this can be a time of great learning and growth. We forget that we can come out of these times better, stronger, wiser, and healthier people if we deal with these times in a healthy manner, and if we intentionally try to learn from them! This is how resiliency can start to develop-We fall, and we learn how to stand up once again. I know that I'm often incredibly tempted to give up when things don't work out, and I'm so glad that I haven't defined myself as a failure and given up through those times. I definitely wouldn't have gotten my master's or finished my thesis, two of the things I'm most proud of in my life, if I had given up the first or the second time things didn't work right.

We can't prevent ourselves from "failing"-we are imperfect people who will constantly make mistakes, but we can choose what to do once it has happened.

So here are a few things that the article suggested for "failing better" in life:

1. Lighten Up- Sometimes we just take ourselves too seriously, and we need to develop a sense of humor. Humor allows us to gain a different perspective on the situation, and laughter decreases the heightened levels of stress.
2. Join the Club- Find others who are in your situation, and vent-eventually you will vent yourself out and start coming up with solutions. (A side note: venting can be healthy, but ruminating to the point of just staying stuck is not. Vent, and start looking for the "now what")
3. Feel Guilt, Not Shame- guilt is "something I did", while shame is "something I am"). You may have messed something up, but you are not the mess up or the failure
4. Cultivate Optimism- thinking flexibly and learning to increase your options. Sometimes we stay so stuck on only one option, that we forget to look at alternatives. This generates pessimism instead of optimism. Remember, fight against the cognitive distortions that come so easily and naturally.
5. Ask Not What The World Can Do For You... What can you give back to the world? Sometimes failure gives us to opportunity to be free to give in ways that we couldn't otherwise.
6. Scale Down Your Expectations For Yourself- Are you holding yourself up to unreasonable, perfectionist standards? Set realistic expectations for yourself. It's fine to dream and to push yourself, but if you set unrealistic expectations, you will have no option but to fail. It's a losing game.
7. Harness the Bridget Jones Effect-JOURNAL! It not only gets stuff from inside your head out, but it allows you to view it in a different perspective. This also allows for more discovery, and a reevaluation of things in life.
8. Don't Blame Yourself- If you attribute all your "failures" to being something fundamentally wrong with you, your mood will decrease dramatically, and you will continue to fail again. There is no optimism is constant self-blame.
9. Act! "Failure is an opportunity to change course. Seize it!"

What have you accomplished in life that you wouldn't have achieved had you given up after the first attempt?