Can You Actually "Recover" From A Loss?

“Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputations. Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same. There is no going back to the past, which is gone forever, only going ahead to the future, which has yet to be discovered. Whatever the future is, it will, and must, include the pain of the past with it. Sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of those who have suffered a severe loss. If anything, it may keep going deeper” –A Grace Disguised (J. Sittser)

If you've missed the backstory of the book A Grace Disguised, click here and here to read about it. For my other posts in this series, click here and scroll down to the "loss" category. 

In many ways, I don't have much to say in this post, because I believe that the quote says the thing I want to say in a much more succinct and beautiful way. The thing with loss is that we never fully recover from it, and sometimes we act like we can. When we don't, we beat ourselves up. Or, on the other hand, we become angry when others around us don't recover completely from their loss. When you lose someone dear to you, it's like an amputation. When a limb is amputated, you learn to function again, and you can have a happy and successful life. However, your life won't ever be the same, you won't function in exactly the same way, and you will experience phantom pains. This is true with loss. Loss changes us deeply, we function in the world and view it differently, and we experience "phantom pains". You cannot recover from a loss, but you can learn to function once again, and you CAN have a good life once again. 

A Bad Chapter Within A Very Good Book

“But I have this sense that the story God has begun to write he will finish. That story will be good. The accident remains now, as it always has been, a horrible experience that did great damage to us and to so many others. It was and will remain a very bad chapter. But the whole of my life is becoming what appears to be a very good book” (p. 212) –A Grace Disguised

If you want to know the backstory to the book A Grace Disguised, you can click here to read the story behind the book, and the experience of loss by the author. 

I've loved this quote for a number of years. In life, whether it's a loss, grieving, death, or something else, we WILL have bad chapters. That certainly is a promise for our life. But just because it's a bad chapter doesn't mean that your entire life will be a good book. You can choose to learn from the bad chapter, but you can also choose to end the chapter, and to allow your life story to be a very good book. And, just because the whole of your life is a good book doesn't discount the fact that the chapter was bad. 

When you read a book or watch a movie, imagine if there was no tension, drama, fight, or "action". It wouldn't be a very good or entertaining story, right? We need some of the "bad" to help make the story good. Isn't that true with life as well? 

When you're in the midst of pain and suffering remember that it's a chapter, and it's not the whole story. This will be part of the story, but the story can still be great! 

Saying Goodbye Through Every Conversation

If you missed my latest post in my current series on grief, loss, death, and suffering (ooh...sounds less then fun, huh?), you can check it out here. I love the quote that the post is based around, so be sure to read it (at least the quote portion!).

I've experienced a number of kinds of deaths- old people, old people who are sick, young people who are sick, and young people who were perfectly healthy and fine and caught in the middle of an accident. Each brings about a different way to process grieving and death.

One thing I know I've experienced, and heard from others in the same position, is how they don't feel closure when someone dies suddenly. When someone is sick, there are a lot of good byes, final sharing of memories, taking final pictures, etc... It feels like there is some closure. However, when someone is in an accident and dies suddenly, those things don't get to happen. This can potentially make the grieving process much worse. Of course there are ways to try to find this- letter writing, reading a letter at a funeral or cemetery, or something of similar fashion. These are all good, and I would certainly encourage you to try them.

However, I'd like to share a perspective that I landed on about 5 years ago when it comes to sudden death. As we live our life with others, each interaction and conversation should be a goodbye. Think about it. When you are saying "goodbye" to someone who is very sick, you may share memories, laugh about an awkward moment, talk about how they've changed your life, discuss what they meant to you, and say "I love you." Shouldn't that be happening throughout a lot of the conversations that we have? Obviously every time I call up one of my parents or siblings I don't give them a list of ways they've changed my life. But from time to time I make sure to do that, so that, given an accident, I feel like I've said the things that are important to say. So even with an accident, if we've had a good relationship all along, we have been saying goodbye throughout our conversations.

How do you say "goodbye to others" through your conversations with them?

I Am Waiting For you, For An Interval.

I know I've taken a little break from my series on grief, loss, & suffering, but I've decided to add a few more things to this in the next few days. If you've missed my other posts on this topic, you can click here and go to the "loss" category. Each of my posts will be listed there by title. 

I was given this a number of years ago during a particularly difficult loss in my life, and it brought about such a beautiful image, so I thought i'd share it:

"Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name; speak to me in the easy way which you always used. But no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effort, without the trace of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near. Just around the corner. All is well."

-Henry Scott Holland Canon of St. Paul's Cathedral in London, England

When there is a death, I think it's such a shame when people refuse to ever talk about the person. I understand that sometimes talking can be painful, and trying to forget seems like the least painful route. However, the memories are still there, even if we try to avoid them. I think it's beautiful when people can sit and laugh about funny memories of the person, and carry them forward in life. People can continue to live on through our memories, and when we don't recognize the person and their life anymore, some of that goes away. Everyone deals with death differently, and I don't ever want to say there's just "one right way" to deal with it. There's not. But despite the pain, I've chosen to embrace the memories and share the stories. I found that this brings more joy then pain to my life, and throughout any given day, a little smile may come to my face at the memory of something. For me, this has been a much healthier approach to death.

What do you think of this quote? Is it hard to continue to talk about the person, or do you enjoy embracing the memories? 

Choosing To Love After Loss

“The problem of choosing to love again is that the choice to love means living under the constant threat of further loss. But the problem of choosing not to love is that that the choice to turn from love means imperiling the life of the soul, for the soul thrives in an environment of love. Soul-full people love; soul-less people do not. If people want their souls to grow through loss, whatever the loss is, they must eventually decide to love even more deeply than they did before. They must respond to the loss by embracing love with renewed energy and commitment” (p. 183). 

-A Grace Disguised (Jerry Sittser)

If you've lost someone before, you may understand the fear of choosing to love (remember this point?) . After experiencing my first "really painful" death (I knew others before, but never a good friend), I seriously questioned whether or not it was ever worth it to love if it meant experiencing the screaming pain that I felt. To be honest, for a few weeks I had myself convinced that I not only needed to not love new people in life, but I also needed to pull away from my current friends. My rationale: If I don't love, I can't hurt, and I won't ever be in this position again. It took about 5 weeks of really rationalizing with myself about why I HAD to love and connect to be healthy. Since that decision, I made friends who I have since lost. And every time I experience that pain again, the thought floats through my head that loving is not worth it. 

I have learned to quiet that voice. If I hadn't loved, I wouldn't have the joy, laughter, and memories that I do. These are PRICELESS and of great worth to me, even if I have to pay the price with tears and pain. Loving after loss is scary...very, very scary. It's hard to make a choice to open yourself to pain and hurt. But in choosing the pain, we choose life, joy, happiness, and laughter. You can't have one without the other... It's part of the experience of humanity. 

Have you ever been tempted to stop loving after loss? How did you convince yourself that loving is worth it?

Also- Happy Cinco De Mayo! Any fun plans tonight? 

When It Comes to Loss, Remember... {Part 2}

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

In yesterday's post, I listed a few important things to remember when going through a loss of any kind. Here are a few more:

•       Sometimes it can be very difficult or scary to let others close to you after you’ve lost someone. That’s a normal thing to feel! However, social support is incredibly important when going through the grieving process. (It sometimes seems that it's not worth the pain to love or to hope...IT IS, even when it doesn't feel that way!)
•      Grief isn’t a purely emotional experience. Grief will affect you emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually-it will affect the entire person, not just the emotions of the person.
•       Sometimes people feel guilty or like they are discounting the grief or the love they had for the person if they laugh or have any moments of happiness. Again, this is normal for many people going through the grieving process. However, laughter doesn’t take away the love that you have for the person, or mean that you aren’t in pain. You can grieve and laugh all in the same day-that is OK and even healthy!

         Have you ever felt like any of these things when going through a loss? How do you think grief & fear are similar? 

When It Comes to Loss, Remember... {Part 1}

Happy Tuesday! What a week it has been with big news events. Whew. Who needs a little break? I should have mentioned this earlier (my bad!) but I just want to send my thoughts & prayers out to the people of Alabama specifically right now as they are grieving and dealing with the loss of people, houses, and a sense of comfort and normalcy.

To catch you up on my previous posts on grief, loss, and suffering, here are the links:

• Myths & Misconceptions of Grief & Loss {Part 1}
• Myths & Misconceptions of Grief & Loss {Part 2}
• Dealing With Grief {Part 1}
• Dealing With Grief {Part 2}
• Dealing With Grief {Part 3}
• The Experience of Suffering and Loss
• Do You Let Suffering Transform You?

Here are a few other "facts" to remember when dealing with any time of grief or loss:

•      When it comes to grief, it’s important to remember that there isn’t one “right way” to deal with grief.
•       People will offer a lot of advice and suggestions. Remember-you are a different person then the advice giver, so while some things may work for you, others will not. THIS IS OK!! Try the different things out as your feel comfortable and don’t get down on yourself when they don’t work. Just try something different!
•      There is no fast forward button on grief, and no magic pill to take it away. There’s no option but to walk through it. It may be a long, difficult, and dark night, but the light of morning WILL be on the other side. Happiness and joy CAN return again. But no one can really make the feelings of pain go away. You need to walk through the experience and learn to deal with it in a healthy manner to help heal. 

      What's your favorite part of Tuesdays? 

Dealing With Grief {Part 3}

As the title suggests, this is the 3rd post in my discussion of healthy ways to deal with grief (let's be honest- if I'd included 12-15 things in one post, who would've actually stuck around to read the entire thing?). You can click here and here to read the other posts.
Here are a few more healthy ways you can choose to deal with grief in your life:

•         LAUGH. Find something (a funny website, TV show, favorite comedy, etc…) that will help you laugh a little bit.
•         Create a memory scrapbook: Sometimes when we lose something or someone important, we retell the stories and memories over and over and over again so we don’t forget them. Instead of having to do that, it can be helpful to create a book of memories and pictures and funny stories. Then you don’t have to retell the stories over and over because you always have a place to go back to. This can be freeing.
•         Journal! This can be helpful in identifying and processing, and even expressing, the various emotions and experiences that you are going through. Sometimes, writing can be difficult, so typing something like an online blog (you can block to private so no one else can read!) can seem a little less overwhelming to do.
•          Figure out a special way to remember your loved one: Pick up an interest they loved, get involved in an organization that they valued, or create an organization/walk/group they would’ve loved (i.e. your spouse dies of cancer so you hold a cancer walk once or twice a year). 

After looking at the 12 ways I've posted here to help deal with loss, do you think any of these might be beneficial in your life? How was your weekend?

Dealing With Grief {Part 2}

      In yesterday's post I introduced 4 healthy ways of dealing with grief and loss. Today, I will add 4 more ways to the mix. Remember that while some of these seem to only deal with grief in terms of death, grief can be a result of any sort of loss & suffering. Many of these ways I'm discussing work in helping to deal with any time of loss that you might experience.

•            Learn to identify your “grief triggers”-certain scents, songs, TV shows, places. Weather patterns, as well as birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries, can be incredibly triggering for grief and awaken past memories. Be able to identify them and plan ahead. For instance, if you know your loved one’s birthday is nearing, plan out the day with activities and support. You can't always avoid these triggers, but if you have a plan, you can deal with them without letting them overwhelm you!
•            Sometimes grief can move into depression. This can be difficult to distinguish, as there is an overlap in symptoms between these two things. If, after many weeks, there is still a consistent feeling of hopelessness/worthlessness, thoughts of suicide/wishing you had died with the person, inability to function, or feelings of guilt/blame for the loss, or feeling numb, then it may be important to talk to your healthcare provider or a counselor.
•        Work on increasing your overall wellness: Choose one of the 17 components of wellness (see the Wheel of Wellness), write SMART goals, and work on that behavior. It gives you a goal, and you’ll be healthier.
•       Engage in hobbies and activities that help you “get outside of yourself” and allow you to focus on something other then the grief for awhile.

Did you watch the wedding yesterday? Any fun plans for the weekend?

Dealing With Grief {Part 1}

In this world, we WILL have trouble, suffering, and loss. That's a promise, and we can't really do much to get out of it. However, we can choose to deal with grief in either an unhealthy or a healthy way- that choice is yours. So, here is one of my first posts on dealing with grief in a healthy manner.

1. Get Support from those close to you! It may feel selfish to lean on those around you, but it’s not. That’s what close family and friends are for! Tell people what you need from them (ex= “I need help dealing with funeral arrangements” “I just need someone to sit with me for awhile” “I would like someone to go with me while I visit his/her grave” etc…).
2. Join a Support Group: This can be online or in person. Some find this helpful, but may not be for you.
3. Find a counselor: Not only is this a professional who can normalize feelings, educate on grief, and give some helpful tips through your grief journey, but it also provides a safe place for your to process your experiences and feelings.
4. Take care of yourself physically: The most tempting thing with grief is to either not eat anything or overeat, not exercise, and stay in bed or sit in front of the TV for hours. However, because there is a mind-body connection, a lack of physical health leads to a further lack in mental/emotional health. Getting up, moving, and trying to regulate your eating schedule can be healthy. Sometimes foods are difficult to eat, so try consuming liquids like Ensure to get extra nutrients that you need, protein bars, and soups. This can be easier to stomach then a ham sandwich or pot roast.   

      Ok, I don't want to overwhelm you with a long list of things today, so 'll leave it at that for today. If you have things that have helped you through the grieving process, make sure to comment! 

Myths & Misconceptions of Grief & Loss {Part 2}

In yesterday's post, I introduced the idea of myths & misconceptions of grief and loss. Today I will address a few more myths & misconceptions.

•         The goal of grief is to let go and move on with life: When you lose something, you can feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself too. This part of you may not be regained. Life will always be different, and a “new normal” develops. Again, life can have laughter and joy again, but it doesn’t go back to the way things were before the loss happened.
•         When someone dies, grief is only felt by those closest to the person: ABSOLUTELY not true! Although it can be hard to understand, when there’s any emotional attachment to a person, even if you only met them a few times, grief can be felt. The loss of one person can also trigger you back to experiences of grief previously. There can be confusion if, for example, we hear of a death on the news of someone we've never met, and yet feel sadness or cry. This is normal and ok. Don't beat yourself up about it! 
•      Children don't experience grief very deeply: Children may not understand in the way that adults understand or process events, but a loss can be incredibly overwhelming and confusing for a child. Make sure to talk about it, explain, and normalize different feelings for them. A child may need to grieve the loss of someone (i.e. a brother's death) at many different stages and times in life (graduation, marriage, when they become a parent, etc...). 

       Did you experience a loss of any kind as a child? If so, what did it feel like, & how did you deal with it? 

Myths & Misconceptions of Grief & Loss {Part 1}

Let's face it- lots of people like to give tips on grieving and loss, right? I'm often shocked at some of the things my clients & friends are told by well meaning co-workers, friends, and family when experiencing a loss. YIKES! Some of these myths & misconceptions can lead to a lot more pain and frustration for ourselves as we try to deal with the loss that we've experienced. Here is the first post of at least two addressing the myths & misconceptions.

• There is one “right way” to deal with grief: There isn’t just one way to grieve. There are certainly things you can do to grieve in a healthy way, and there are things you can do to stay stuck, but there is not one right way. Grief looks different for every person and in every situation. Don't feel guilty if something someone suggests doesn't work! We're all different people with different personalities and needs! 
•  The grieving process occurs in 5 orderly stages: Again, to characterize grief as a universal process just isn’t true. Yes, everyone may go through similar types of stages (i.e. denial, anger, depression, etc…). However, you don’t complete one stage and move to the next until you are done. Every day can bring a different experience-it’s not a checklist. And sometimes, you may experience many "stages" throughout the day. That is OK and normal! 
•   “Time heals all wounds”: You can learn to function and enjoy moments in life without the person or thing that you lost, but the wound doesn’t completely heal. Healing also suggests that one goes back to the way things were before the event- life doesn’t go back exactly to the way things were. Grief can most certainly soften and decrease over time, with less tears and more joy. That can happen! But that doesn’t mean that sadness or tears never happen.

What are some misconceptions you've discovered about grieving? Any pieces of advice that have rubbed you the wrong way? 

Mistaken Identity {Book Review}

On April 26th, a car accident happened on a highway in Indiana. 4 students and one staff member of a University were killed, while 3 staff members and one student survived. 5 weeks later, a case of mistaken identities was discovered between the student who survived, and one of the students who died.

After 5 weeks, doctors realized that it was Whitney, and not Laura, who was at the hospital, and Whitney's parents had buried "Whitney", who was actually Laura. This story follows the journey of two families, from the night of April 26, 2006, through the weeks and months following. You will rejoice and mourn with the University, and especially the two families of Whitney and Laura, as you read the book. It's a book of inspiration and hope amidst grief, confusion, and suffering. These two families have been on the Today Show and The Oprah show, and I find their story inspirational. I highly encourage you to read the book and follow along on the journey of hope these 2 families share. When I first read the book in 2008, I was awestruck by the reactions of the families, and how the campus chose to deal with the events of the accident. Check it out- you certainly won't regret it!

If you're interested in some background on the story, here are a few links:

Five from Taylor University killed when semi strikes van

Crash victims' identities mixed up

Whitney Cerak's Blog (this is from immediately following the accident to the time Whitney returned to school a few months later)

Do you remember hearing the story of the mistaken identity? How do you deal with grief? 

I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day

I've always loved the Christmas season, and look forward anxiously to its arrival. And, although i know this bothers many people, I start listening to Christmas Music on November 1st, because 1 month is simply not long enough to enjoy all the music I love. One of my new favorite Christmas songs is I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day. Although I grew up singing this song, I never really liked it and felt no connection to the song until I learned the story behind the song (isn't is true that things aren't nearly as meaningful until we understand the story behind what we can see?).

The words to the song were penned by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, a well known American poet from the 1800's. In the early 1860s, Longfellow's wife's dress caught on fire, and she went up in flames. Longfellow tried to put the fire out with a small rug, but the fire was too large. He then proceeded to put the fire out using his own body. His wife died the next morning, and he was so badly burned that he couldn't attend her funeral. The beard that is typical in pictures of Longfellow is there because he could no longer shave because his face was so disfigured. This was also the time of the Civil War, and Longfellow's son had been badly wounded in battle. After these challenging few years, Longfellow was in a devastated state ("inwardly bleeding to death"), and felt that there was no peace or joy left, and all he could do was hang his head in despair. But then he walked outside on Christmas morning, I heard the bells ringing... and wrote this song (see link below to listen).

Understanding the story behind the words, I'm deeply moved by this song. As a counselor, I don't like to see people in pain, and at the same time, I know that from a state of pain there can come great growth and resilience. So, in some ways, I like to see the pain, because I know that we can work from there.

Songs can deeply move us, motivate us, and touch us in ways that a conversation can't.

If that doesn't work, you can click here to listen to the song!